Motorized Phone Booths

NOTE FROM CHIP'S WIFE

Before you read this article rest assured I know my husband is an idiot, in fact many of you tell me this from time to time. His opinions do not reflect those of myself or his daughter Hannah, we are both very embarrassed by him.

Once again dear readers I come to you mad as a wet hen in December. Many of my articles reflect true happenings in my life…I know that may be a bit hard for you to believe but it's true. I have a knack for being in the right place but unfortunately being there at the wrong time.

Traveling through Halls today I was cut off and narrowly escaped an accident that would have surely made the five o'clock traffic report. I was again almost run down by a motorized phone booth! You know the cars piloted by young ladies that believe a synonym for AT&T is Ford.

I have no doubt that the guy who started the Dodge Car Company named it Dodge after narrowly being killed by a young lady driving with a phone crammed in her ear. I know what you're saying but I think it was a coincidence that his last name was Dodge. And the fact that cell phones weren't around in the 20's makes no difference to my theory. Never have I let a fact stand in the way of my opinion and I shant start now!

Right in front of the Kentucky Fired Chicken this lady pulls right out into my path. She should have realized from my excessive speed it would have been better to wait until I was by. I had just been to Dunkin Donuts and was taking my wife an ice cream at the bank in Maynardville. My wife yells at me if the ice cream is runny, and I fear my wife far more than any policeman with a pad of citations. That citation only hurts for a few moments, my wife can make it miserable for me for a very long time.

Now this nincompoop woman driver just pulls right out, fixing her makeup and talking on the cell phone. I don't think she ever saw me! It was either swerve left and run the old man in the Buick into the median or swerve right and hit the KFC. After carefully weighing my options:

1) Run some old geezer off the road who I don't know.

2) Demolish KFC where I get my weekly bucket of greasy fried goodness.

I made my choice. You should have seen the look on the old guy's face as he swerved into the grassy median. I'll bet you he hasn't been that exhilarated since his last Viagra pill.

But here is my point… This lady has no business being on the road, endangering good drivers like myself and other men. If you look closely at real phone booths you'll find they're concreted to the ground. South Central Bell does this so when a woman deposits a quarter and starts yacking she can't wander the phone booth out into traffic.

Men are just superior drivers! Just have a look at my depiction of a Women's Club parking lot, what more proof do you need? I even did it in black and white, so you could say the evidence is black and white!

That's why when a woman is ready to go on a long trip, she always wants the man to do the driving. Not so much that she thinks he's a better driver, women are too irrational to understand that, they just want someone to criticize to pass time on the drive. I've watched National Lampoon Vacation fifty million times and not once did Beverly D'Angelo ever get behind the wheel.

Women drivers are overly cautious. That's why they have so many accidents. You have to knock them out of the way to get by them. Get behind them and blow the horn they don't move over and let you by, they just keep yacking on that phone.

When a situation arises on the road that needs swift action, most women just freeze. Other women do worse and try to do some sort of maneuver that makes no sense at all. This usually results in a wreck or at least a lot of swearing. Then we men end up getting screamed at and called a moron for what the woman driver deems to be a situation created by us.

When confronted with a situation that needs immediate attention women make the mistake of taking the time to think. You'll never see a man do that! No sir, we just do the first thing that seems a good idea and then look in the mirror to see how it all came out! There's no time for silly things like decision making or signal lights on the modern highway! That's why they make cars that tell you which road to turn on and automatically calls for help when you wreck.

Now this lady wasn't happy simply pulling out in front of me. No sir, as I followed her I decided to pull along side her and give her the one finger salute. But as I pulled along side of her she had finished her face and was now fixing her hair in the rear view mirror. But it must have been an important phone call as she was still yacking away at her cellular telephonic device.

I tried to get her attention but she was so engrossed in her call and arranging her face she never noticed me. Being a man I realize that at least 40% of our attention while driving a car should be on the road. I looked forward to make any adjustments I needed to my position in my lane. I mean after all even men swerve a little when we're looking off.

But when I looked back at her she was halfway into my lane. In my haste to hit the horn I dropped my nose hair clippers I had been using. These clippers in turn knocked the donut from my hand. In my confusion of trying to grab my donut I dropped my cell phone which landed in the coffee between my legs, spilling the hot liquid into my lap soundly burning the twig and berries.

As I sat there in the median trying to extinguish the liquid fire from my lap, the lady just drove on, never realizing the trouble she had caused. It was about this time some old guy in a Buick drove by gave me the horn and the middle finger, while yelling freak! I wonder what his problem was? Perhaps he had mistaken me for a woman driver.

But I have a solution for the problem! It's not feasible to stop all women from driving, after all what man wants to drive his wife to a hair appointment? I guess it's a necessary evil for women to drive.

Therefore I suggest that all women's cars be painted blue and white and clearly labeled South Central Bell. And the car should only start after a quarter is dropped in the slot. Every three miles the woman should have to deposit another quarter to continue their journey.

Now, I realize that this doesn't make the women any safer behind the wheel. My thinking is that when the woman does hit some poor guy, her car will pour quarters like a cheap Vegas slot machine. Then the man can retrieve all the quarters from the accident scene to pay for the damages caused by the woman driver.

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