What Am I?

or

How Can I Make a Million People Mad All At Once?

Someone asked me in the forum section of my website whether I was Republican or Democrat. They said, in further explanation that by reading my rants they couldn't tell which way I leaned.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

I wrote columns poking fun at Bill Clinton a few years back. I got e-mails from Democrats who told me I was a right wing radical. Then, a couple of months ago (back when Bush was still popular) I pointed out he was still an idiot in my book. I got e-mails from Republicans calling me a liberal nutcase. Apparently, neither party likes me very much. What they seem to ignore is that I don't insult Clinton because I support Bush, nor do I think Bush is a simpleton because I liked Clinton. Frankly, I just like to call apples apples and oranges oranges.

So let's figure out what I really am…

Am I a Republican?

No, I feel sorry for poor people and want to help them. I figure a poor American, even if poor by his own laziness, is more worthy of my help than all the Iraqi's in Iraq. God tells me that charity begins at home.

Am I a Democrat?

No, because I don't like illegal immigrants! I especially hate how the Democrats have recast these folks as "Undocumented Workers." I think leaving out that word ILLEGAL sort of dilutes the meaning.

Am I a Libertarian?

No, I don't see the logic in legalizing drugs so the rate of drug crimes will go down. If that is plausible we should make murder legal to solve the prison overcrowding issue!

I AM A CHIPPERTARIAN!

I made that up you know, my wife says I can't start my own religion so I decided to do the next best thing, and start my own political party. That's sort of sad too because I was going to call my church The Church of the Divine Holy Moly! That's a catchy name don't you think? Instead of yelling Amen to everything we'd jump up out of our pews every few minutes and yell "HOLY MOLY!"

Okay I admit it, I'm registered as a Democrat. They make you register one way or the other or at least they did way back when I registered. I'm going to stop by and speak to Larry Roe (Election Registrar) and see if I can re-register as Chippertarian.

I don't like the two party system. Saying we should keep the two-party system simply because it is working is like saying the Titanic voyage was a success because a few people survived on life-rafts.

Let's examine the differences in the three parties (Democrat - Republican - Chippertarian)

Issue of Criminals:
Democrats believe we should give them a second chance.
Republicans think we should give them the swift sword of death.

Chippertarians think we should force them to become "Undocumented Workers" in Mexico.

Issue of the Poor:

Democrats think we should give them food.
Republicans say we should give them the swift sword of death.

Chippertarians believe we should let them pick tomatoes for a living instead of all those "Undocumented Workers."

Issue of Endangered Species:

Democrats think we should protect them.
Republicans say we should give them the swift sword of death.

Chippertarians think we should protect them unless they're tasty smothered in barbecue sauce.

Issue of Dictators:

Democrats think we should just ignore them.
Republicans say we should give them the swift sword of death and revenge their father's failure.

Chippertarians think we need a dictator in America. I mean why should we pay all those people in Congress to make decisions when one person can do the job. See Chippertarians like Republicans believe in a smaller government!

Issue of the Uninsured:

Democrats think we should give them health care.
Republicans say we should give them the swift sword of death.

Chippertarians think we should quarantine the sick, maybe in Mexico, if they get better let them come back. I mean who wants to stand in line at Walmart and have some guy behind them coughing up a lung.

Issue of Child Welfare:

Democrats think we should use kids as tax deductions.
Republicans say we should give them the swift sword of death.

Chippertarians think everyone should be allowed a maximum of two kids. I mean really I have enough trouble keeping up with one.

Lets just be honest the two party system is broken. I can't stand the old farts here in the county that vote party lines. You know the ones that vote Republican or Democrat come heck or high water. These people are born followers who simply can't think for themselves. I can understand leaning one way or the other more often, but I'm referring to the nincompoops that would vote Republican or Democrat even if Satan is on their ticket.

I think that's sort of like saying "I'm a Mcdonald-ian" and then only buying fast food at McDonalds and making fun of anyone who goes to Burger King. I sort of feel that sometimes I like a Filet O' Fish with a side order of lower taxes, while other times I like a Whopper with an order of better schools.

The Republicans are self destructing at an alarming rate. Mr Bush's approval rating is falling faster than a sky diver tied to a lead weight. Rush Limbaugh just went nuts in public, more so than he does every day on his radio show. We learned in physics class that a gas bag can only hold a certain volume of hot air before it explodes, Rush proved it this week. The Democrats are going to run five dozen people for President.

California is going to run everybody for governor. Most likely a muscle bound moron who I like to call Conan the Republican will probably win. He should fit in well in California, given that he barely speaks English and is from another country.

Then we have our local "usual candidates," you know the ones that run for something every time the polls are open. They go to their Republican and Democratic meetings like it's church. Then, when they run for office they put an "I" for independent beside their names. These people aren't Republican, Democrat or Independent, they're all part of a larger party most politicians belong to, called the hypocrite party.

Despite the absurdity of trying to jam millions of people into a pair of fairly rigid classifications called Democrat and Republican, we insist on maintaining this two-party political system. Whether it's idiocy or an unwillingness to think for ourselves, we cling to this stupid setup even though many of us recognize its limitations.

So what am I?

They probably won't let me start a Chippertarian party, will they? I guess my wife said it best today when she tried to get me not to write this… I'm a semi-social liberal - fiscal conservative self thinker. I just can't find my place in this two party system. The two parties may disagree on certain things, but they have no problem banding together when the issue becomes preserving their political careers by protecting this system. They also agree that they don't want folks like me…that do their own thinking.

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