Return That Crap

It never fails that every year some dufus buys me some sort of white trash vase for Christmas. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that relatives I barely know buy me gifts, but I just don't decorate in the God Awful Motif.

My wife told me that I shouldn't write that and her quote was, "What if someone reads this and they got you a vase this year? You'll ruin a friendship."

Well, she probably has a point but my logic trumps her point. If they are stupid enough to think I'll be happy with a vase come Christmas morning, they're not my friend. Or at least they won't be shortly after I open the vase and give them the patented "What the Crap" stare.

There was only one person other than my wife who ever got me anything useful for Christmas. It was my friend Jeff, who was killed in a car wreck a couple of years back. For Christmas 1999 he got me a book titled "Be Your Own Undertaker...How to dispose of the human body." Now that's a book that has a million uses! Then in 2000 he got me a book titled "So You're Going to Jail...How to survive in prison." I guess if the first book didn't work he figured I'd need the second one.

But we were always getting each other cool gifts. In 1999 I gave him what I called the "Chip Brown How to Have Fun Alone on a Saturday Night Kit." It was a box that contained, a two-liter Coke, a box of microwave popcorn, a candy bar, a VHS copy of the movie Clockwork Orange, a copy of The Weekly World News and a roll of toilet paper. Once again it was a gift that had thought behind it, not some stupid pink vase.

But unfortunately, most people can't be as smart as Jeff and myself and wander through Wal-Mart in search of anything to call a gift. After two hours of wandering around smelling over perfumed ladies and abundantly aftershaved men, their minds become intoxicated enough to think a pink vase is just the right gift. After all, we're told the best gift is the gift people wouldn't buy for themselves. I guess that's why I get so many God Awful Vases...I sure as heck wouldn't buy one of those for myself.

I think Christmas Shopping is like a football game. In regular shopping you still have another half of the game to go. If the thing you buy is not right you have plenty of time to return it. Christmas shopping is sort of like being inside the two-minute warning of shopping. You have to get something, time is running out, there will be no time to return it, but any gift is better than showing up with no gift. And anyway, Grandma can return the chainsaw after Christmas if she doesn't want it. The point is, you got her a gift and her geriatric legs can deal with standing in the return line on December the 26th.

And she has a ready-made excuse for returning it. After all any clerk can see she can barely walk, and has no use for chainsaw. Plus granny gets to talk to the sales clerk, and we all know how much old people like to hold up the line by running off at the mouth..."I don't know why my grandson bought this for me...he listens to that Rock and Roll, I think he's on drugs."

People have lost the art of returning. I mean we've all been at friend's houses and seen things sitting around that are gaudy and useless. Why in the world didn't they return these things when they had the chance? Because stores make it easy to buy and very very hard to return.

I hear you saying what's the big deal? After all you just go to the return line and get some cash right? Wrong! Returning something after Christmas requires a quick mind and the ability to lie like a dog and make people believe it. As pleased as Wal-Mart is to see someone carry out their life savings in bags full of pink vases, they're ten times as angry to see anyone bring a single vase back. Even Wal-Mart doesn't want one of those stupid vases. They spent hours getting someone to buy it and they'll be darned if you're going to bring it back.

Last year I returned something and the lady at the Wal-Mart return counter said, "This is the second thing you've returned in three years without a receipt, I'll have to put your name on the list. The list? They have a list of people who return pink vases? I always figured by writing this column I'd end up on a government list but for some reason a Wal-Mart list just scares the heck out of me.

What happens? If I return another item am I visited late one night by the Wal-Mart Mafia? A bunch of blue vested thugs who beat me with pink vases all the time yelling "How May We Help You?"

I saw this lady returning a bra once. What could you conceivably use as a response when the clerk asks your reason for returning a bra? It doesn't fit then hike up your blouse and show the clerk that it indeed doesn't lift and separate? As a man I would like to return a bra. When the clerk asks my reason I would say...It says Miracle Bra, my wife tried it on last night and it performed no miracles, we're sticking with toilet paper.

The more outrageous you can be the better your chances of getting cash at Wal-Mart. They know if they give you a store credit you might buy something else, and they don't want you wandering around their stores as crazy as you are. They'll give you your cash and directions to the nearest K-Mart.

My stupid Aunt bought me an abdominizer one year. Apparently she doesn't realize the work I put into getting my stomach in the good round shape it's in. I've spent enough on Moon Pies to buy two abdominizers. If it had been something I wanted I would have shot myself years ago. Once again, the lady asked me my reason for returning it. Without a moment's hesitation I simply said, "Because it's an abdominizer!"

She stands there and looks at me for a while and says, "Pardon me?"

Apparently I had run into another clerk who was willing to play return for cash hardball. I then stated, "because it's an abdominizer, you apparently don't own one and I don't wish to own one either." I got cash for that thing and a nice man to show me my way to the door. I was glad I didn't have to give them the real reason for returning it...My abdomen wouldn't fit in it.

I had a friend who bought some makeup one day (my friend was a girl). She took it home and tried it own only to realize, after I pointed it out it made her look like a rodeo clown. She took it back and when she tried to return it the clerk said..."Somebody has used this!"

My friend, who was quite quick after attending many years of the Chip Brown School of Returning Crap for Cash, simply said, "That's why I'm returning it!"

But I do have an archenemy when it comes to returning crap. It's called the computer store! While Wal-Mart hires mental midgets to staff their return lines, computer stores hire PHD's to match wits with you. I once stood in line twenty minutes to be told to return memory I had to stand in an additional 30-minute line. Then after that 30-minute line I had to stand at the checkout line for another twenty minutes to get my cash. So I stood in line for about 80 minutes to get a $12 refund. They think you won't do it, I figure it's about the same as minimum wage.

But my wife dragged me out today, the day after Thanksgiving, to do some shopping. I was surprised to already see the lines at the refund counters full. One guy was returning a stuffed Elmo, being nosey I stepped over to listen in. He explains to the clerk he bought it on his way home only to find out it was the wrong variety of Elmo when he got home. He asked the lady to tell him what the difference was in this "Ask Me This" Elmo that he was returning and the "Hokey Pokey" Elmo he now hoped to find. After the lady said she didn't know I spoke up and said, "One makes your kid laugh on Christmas morning, the other makes him cry."

I saw this little kid standing at Sears while my wife shopped. He appeared to be about five and was screaming and crying telling his mother he wanted to go home. That kid reminded me a lot of myself, except for the fact that I'm quite a bit taller than he was and also 38 years old. And when I tried the kid's ploy my wife smacked me and told me I'd be getting worse when I got home.

Guess I'll see you in the return lines after Christmas

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