TERROR ALERT

Okay, I've been silent for a while here on the net. My momma always said "Shut up you stupid freak!"

No that was my brother that said that, my momma said, "If you don't have anything good to say be quiet." My mother, may God rest her soul, seemed to have the same philosophy as the Bush Administration.

I saw on TV today where we've once again raised the terror alert to grape, raspberry or some odd color. Seems we do that for every holiday. I haven't worried so much about holidays since my Aunt Emily was alive. I used to worry about holidays because as a kid, holidays brought a visit from my Aunt Emily. Aunt Emily thought every kid needed a big smooch. She had foul breath and a mustache...now that makes for holiday terror.

I just don't understand the terror alert color code thing. Why colors? Are we too stupid to understand one through five? Terror alert one would be all clear, while terror alert five would be time to kiss your butt goodbye.

Today, as I write this we're at terror alert orange. Well, I went over to the government website (ready.gov) and looked it up. Seems they recommend sealing myself in a room with duct tape for the average orange alert.

Somehow I just don't have a lot of faith in duct tape (while it is very useful) saving me from a nuclear blast.

I looked and the next color down is yellow. Now granted I didn't read about yellow but I assume it's not as bad as orange. Maybe one should seal themselves in a room with scotch tape for a yellow alert.

I just don't get it, what's next, a five day terror forcast? Saturday may bring scattered terrorism and aerosoled anthrax but Sunday looks Jihad free for the big game.

You know, if Tennessee (where I live) ever gets hit by a nuclear blast I'm dead! I know that, you know that and our government should know that, but then again...Anyway, my point is, when I die in a fiery atomic hell, I don't think it will be because I didn't have enough duct tape.

But, to be safe I just moved around the Ready.Gov website trying to pick up some good tips. That's where I learned their idea behind the color coded terror alerts. They say it's for the benefit of those who can't read! Now that puts my mind at ease, realizing that while I'm blistering to death in a nuclear holocaust my government is busy saving the illiterates!

They have a whole section of the website for non reading people! If they can't read how can they find the website? I haven't seen logic like this since I found braile buttons on my local drive up ATM machine.

I stole some of the signs they have on their website, that they say are there to help those who can't read and just happened to randomly hit the right buttons on the keyboard to find the website. Now bear in mind these folks can't read and are left to their own devices to look at the image and decide what it means.

Disclaimer: These signs were taken directly from the Ready.Gov website that your tax dollars and the tax dollars of your grandchildren will pay for.

Image 1:

Okay, now keep in mind that the person this is meant for can't read. Have a look and decide for yourself what it must mean. To me it means if the Jihad'ers set your shirt on fire do not run. Hardly good advice in my book. Now let's have a look at the next image.
Image 2

I don't get this one at all. I see it to say, "If you spot a terrorist arrow pin it against the wall with your shoulder." Maybe the next one will have a more clear meaning.
Image 3

I got it! I got it! The aerosole can gave it away! If someone sprays you with an unknown aerosole you should stand and think about it! I guess this is to keep you from doing something irrational like driving to a hospital.

Maybe it's still not sinking in to me. Let's have a look at the next one:
Image 4

Maybe they government is passing out magic flashlights that can lift debris and rubble off of you?

Now you think I'm just being rude, abnoxious and un-American. Keep in mind the person these are meant for are more illiterate than me.

And now the next one...I swear these are real I didn't draw them.
Image 5

Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy? Frankly, I stay on the lookout for anyone with leprosy.
Image 6

Now even I get this one! If in a moment of panic you find an exit door that is locked...karate chop it open!
Image 7

Maybe this one means when your roof falls in, a good place to die is underneath a card table. Look at the position this guy is in. What man wants to be found dead in the rubble in this position? Not me! When they find me I'll be the one pushing past the old lady running for the door.
Image 8

After receiving a near fatal dose of radiation it's quite likely you have mutated to immense proportions...watch your head! I can't be the only one to notice the guy in this drawing is two stories tall.
Image 9

If you've been radiated and turned into a mutant with a deformed head remember to close the window, the rest of don't want to see that crap.
Image 10

In case of terror attack don't drive your car if an electric pole is protruding from the hood.

Now many have labeled me as rude, crude, un-American, smelly etc for making fun of the current administration. But anyone who reads my columns know...I make fun of everyone, Democrats and Republicans alike. If you want to call me un-American come down to Tennessee, I'd like to meet you and discuss your views, plus we have first rate trauma centers capable of removing my boot from your butt.

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