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Chip Brown.

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THE TRASH MAN COMETH

My friend Bill is currently trying to get a new group of volunteers off the ground in our county. He has a vision! His vision is a Union County without trash…well without the trash that litters the roadsides anyway. Maybe he can form another group one day to clean up the human trash, but for now he concentrates on the litter problem.

I applaud ol' Bill for trying to get this volunteer group off the ground, as it is a worthy quest. As a life long Unioner myself I think Orville and Wilbur had a better chance of getting off the ground in a lead airplane, but that's just me.

I hear the frustration in his missives. I have felt that way at times myself. Most recently it was in my attempts to persuade my wife to store the extra Charmin in the bathroom rather than the bedroom closet. Yes, I know there is more room in the bedroom closet as she argues, but the flaw is…THERE IS NO TOILET IN THE BEDROOM CLOSET!

I often sit there staring at the barren dispenser, after doing my business, frustrated that my wife can't see plain logic! I figure this is how Bill must feel when he sees someone litter on one of our highways. In a way we are kindred spirits, as we both just want to clean up the crap.

I don't know anyone who litters but it shouldn't be hard to get a profile on this criminal. I don't throw junk out my car window, with the exception of the rock I toss at my neighbor's dog as I drive by. Most often I just toss my trash in the back seat or just let it roll around in the floorboard.

So immediately we must realize that Mr. Litterbug has a cleaner car than me. Therefore logic tells me I should put nasty notes about littering on every car I find void of trash and Pepsi bottles! ELEMENTARY MY DEAR WATSON!

Now I realize that it costs $20 a month for trash pickup in Union County. The litterbug must therefore be a thrifty person, trying to save on his trash service. I can't fault anyone for trying to save a dollar. But he shouldn't just toss his refuse 'Willie Nillie" around the neighborhood. He should do as I do, wait until midnight, the night before trash pickup day and place his bags beside his neighbor's can on the curb!

Bill has shamed me though into picking up trash along my street. This isn't the same as picking up trash on Gay Street in Knoxville, but a lot safer, and there are no negotiations.

But I was amazed at not so much how much trash I found, but what trash I found…

I found a pair of pants! Good jeans, hardly worn, no noticeable stains…how could these have gotten here? I can see throwing out the McDonald's cup but when do you just drive along and decide you no longer need these pants? And wouldn't this be something hard to explain to the little woman when you get home? "Honey I finally got rid of my pants!"

Possibly, they flew out of the car by accident. I once had a bee fly into my car and right down my shirt. I pulled over as quickly as I could and began removing my clothes. Unfortunately, the bee had migrated southward and now required the removal of my pants. Standing there beside my car in my underwear, doing my macabre bee dance, I never noticed I had stopped in a daycare parking lot…nor did I notice the policeman pull in…Who by the way must have been having an awful day.

Now I don't drink myself, but I don't care if someone has a beer every now and then. But they probably shouldn't have them on their drive home. Apparently, drinking in a car brings on paranoia. The more people drink the more they become sure that the police are going to catch them. Therefore, it just stands to reason they should toss the evidence of their inebriation out their windows. After all, when they run in the ditch and start negotiations with the nearest tree to drive them home, they don't want the police to come by and find empty beer vessels in their car. If the police have reason to believe you were drunk when you drove your car into the pond they might not let this friendly tree drive you home.

Then there are the cigarette butts! I haven't seen that many butts in one day since I went for the free rectal exam at Walmart. (It was out back near the dumpster…they guy assured me he was a real doctor).

Litterbugs are destined to remove themselves from our planet by process of natural selection. If they smoke as many cigarettes as I found, they're buying a one-way ticket on Cancer Airways. But at least I can understand throwing cigarette butts out the window. With all that alcohol inside the car it probably isn't safe to put them in the ashtray.

The thing I can't understand is how I can find coffee cups, cigarette butts, beer cans, ding dong wrappers and beef jerky tubes on the side of the road but no breath mint boxes.

Therefore, it is my opinion that we should look for naked, drunken people, driving clean cars, smoking cigarettes and having foul breath…THERE IS YOUR LITTERBUG!

Now I've done my part, it is hardly my fault if the police read this and fail to act on my tips.

Now I did what Bill said and picked up my whole road and loaded it in the back of my pickup…I'm free of litter and I do actually feel better, Bill was right. Now all I have to do is drive my truck up and down Maynardville Highway until all the litter is gone!

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