Snow and Boogers Don't you hate it when it is so cold that the snot running out of your nose freezes? Me either. In fact I try to cultivate the perfect snot-cicle just below each nasal passage. If you do it just right you end up looking like a vampire gopher. Break one of those bad boys off and even the largest men fear you. This is particularly true when you run at them in a parking lot screaming "BOOGER-MAN!". Did I tell you I am no longer allowed within 200 yards of Food City? I used to think that weathermen had machines that controlled the weather. I know now of course this isn't true. And if it is true they certainly lost their owner's manuals. They say it's going to snow and next thing you know it's seventy degrees. I don't mind so much that they are inept or that they make ten times my yearly salary and never have to get their jobs right. God bless America! What does make me madder than a male sheep at a bachelor party is their inability to take responsibility for their mistakes! They never admit they screwed up that last snowstorm they predicted. And dang sure if you send them a couple of bills for bread and milk you bought at their advice the next thing you know they lawyer up and get restraining orders. I know better but but they say blizzard and I just become a Pavlovian purchaser of milk, eggs and toilet paper. Last week the weather guy tells me it is going to snow on my street at 10:34 am. I never knew they could be entirely wrong with such accuracy. Did I ever tell you my grandfather was an Indian Chief? Dang right! He was chief for about four months before being thrown out of the tribe. All the other Native Indians (I think that is what we call them now) came to him and asked, "Chief will winter be bad? Should we stock up on firewood?" Now my Grandfather had no idea what the weather was going to be like any more than anyone else so he tells them he has to sleep on it and get a vision. So he runs in his house and calls up the local weather folks at NOAA. He asks them their prediction of the winter coming up. They assure him it will be cold. Next day he tells his tribe that the winter upcoming would indeed be cold and they should get in wood! He calls the NOAA folks the next week because it is getting warmer not colder. They tell him that he shouldn't pay any attention to the temperature that it was going to be even colder than they at first thought. He goes before his tribe again and announces that the spirits told him that the winter would be even colder than he at first was advised. He urges them to get in even more wood! But a week later the temperatures had climbed another ten degrees. He called up NOAA and asked them if they were danged sure it was going to be a cold winter. They told him that it was going to be the coldest winter on record. When he asked them how they could be so sure, they replied, "because the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!" Honestly, why do we listen to the weather idiots? We run home from work each day and flip on the TV to see what the weather Oracle has in store for us. We listen to the idiot like he actually controls the weather. "What will you have in store for us today oh mighty one?" I have no doubts that politicians study weather men. They sit in dark rooms watching films of various weather folk. They try to find the secret. How can you lie every day right on schedule and still have people come back tomorrow to fawn over your latest guess. 50% chance of rain tomorrow? You know I'm not a statistician but isn't that the same odds as a coin flip? What the moron is saying is that it might rain tomorrow or it might not. Crap! I can tell you that and I don't need a high tech weather screen to do it. Birds might fly out my rear end tomorrow but then again they may not. IT IS THE SAME THING! I think the weather lady should do her show topless. It wouldn't make the forcast one bit more accurate...But it would make the reasoning behind running home like lemmings to watch it a lot more understandable.

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