Road Rage

My wife, psychologist and everyone that knows me say I suffer from road rage. To prove this to me they gave me a little written test. I've always been good at tests so how hard could this one be? Take it along with me:

1. If you are driving in traffic in the fast lane and the person in front of you is driving the speed limit do you:
a. slow down because you realize you are speeding
b. slow down, turn on your signals and move into the other lane, and eventually move back into the fast lane
c. tailgate the idiot
d. turn on your high beams and honk your horn and tailgate
e. zip into the slow lane; then zip into the fast lane while giving the finger and then slow down in front of the jerk.

(I guess I'll take "C" on that one, I don't like to use my horn, it's rude. Fact is though, I generally just flash my lights and point at their rear tire. They assume they have a flat and pull over, once on the side of the road I laugh at their stupidity and motor around them.)

2. You are in a parking lot looking for a parking space. You spot an empty place but there is a woman standing in the middle of the space obviously saving the space for her husband who is nowhere to be seen. Do you:
a. move on and look for another place
b. give her a dirty look and then move on
c. swear at her telling her to "move her fat butt"
d. act like you are going to drive into her
e. drive into the spot just missing her by an inch

(Well, once again I'll settle for "C". On my Toyota truck I have the windshield washers turned backwards facing forwards over the hood. I did this to squirt kids staring at me in the back of cars stopped at redlights. Seems this would be the perfect weapon to make the lady move.)

3. You are stopped at a traffic light and the light has just turned green. The person in front of you is chatting on a cell phone. Do you.
a. wait calmly, realizing that it will only be a second or two
b. wait a second, put on your signals and move into another lane
c. honk your horn and yell out your window "Pay Attention Idiot"
d. zoom up quickly behind the person, honking madly
e. zoom up behind ,swerve beside the person, ranting and raving then in the middle of the intersection slow down in front of the person and then zoom off.

( I hate to be redundant here but once again I choose "C". But I generally roll down the window and yell, "Hey moron, think you can drive any better with that cell phone up your butt?)

4. A person is tailgating you. Do you:
a. as soon as it is safe, signal and pull into another lane
b. continue on because you are going the speed limit
c. stick your hand out the window and give them the finger
d. slow down even more and make it impossible for the idiot to get into another lane
e. slow down, then speed up, then slow down again and slam on the brakes.

(Oh, this is an "E" for me! I actually slowed down once so slow I actually stopped. I walked back to the car behind me and asked if the lady enjoyed her view of the back of my car.)

5. When you are in your car how often are you ranting and raving:
a. almost never
b. occasionally
c. most of the time
d. 99% of the time
e. 100% of the time in the car and 50% of the time outside of the car once you've reached your destination

("E" for certain. When I was young and had to drive the lady around the block to get my license, I actually gave a guy the finger. She wrote something in her little book. I figure it was that moron's tag number to give him a ticket for going so slow.)

6. Which of the following groups of people do you find have poor driving skills:
a. sorry I can't really categorize them
b. people who drive for a living
c. people from other ethnicity than your own, women drivers, taxi drivers
d. other ethnicity, women, teenagers, older people, people with glasses, taxi drivers, blondes, people who are so short that they can't be seen behind the wheel, minivan drivers, sports car drivers, truckers,
e. all of the above plus brunettes, black haired people, bald people, red heads, punk hair coloured people, members of the hair club

(I'll take an "E" on this one. Given a certain amount of time everyone drives like an idiot. I'm usually on the road with them too.)

7. I find driving to be:
a. fun and relaxing
b. relaxing when I'm alone on the road, but nerve wracking in city traffic
c. challenging but dangerous
d. a good place where I can really let loose and express myself
e. a place where I show the rest of the world what a bunch of incompetents they are

(Okay, I seem to be stuck on "E" now. there is nobody on the road as good a driver as me. However, it isn't fair, I usually have my wife in the backseat telling me how to drive.)

8. My driving skills are:
a. good
b. great
c. better than most on the road
d. superior
e. I am the best ; no one comes close to my skill

(Modesty forbids me from even answering this one. I pass more people in a days time than Jeff Gordon.)

9. You are driving down the road going your usual speed when you spot a woman putting on her makeup. Do you:
a. laugh and continue on your way.
b. drive by and give her a dirty look
c. speed past her and yell "Forget it; It won't help"
d. speed past give her the finger, yell obscenities
e. same as 'd' but also cut in front of her and slam on the brakes

(I alternate between "C" and "D" variety is the spice of life after all.)

10. Which phrase fits best how you feel:
a. I like people
b. I like some people
c. Most people really bite
d. I like people when they are not around
e. I like people once they're dead.

(Naw, I hate everyone equally. If they fall over dead they're just dead, it doesn't make them a better person, just less likely to get in front of me on the highway.)

There you have it, my thoughts on driving. It just makes me angry when idiots share roads or parking lots with me. I'm a;ways shouting nasty phrases at them. But as I whiz by at 70mph I doubt they hear me. That's why I made the following form. Now, I can follow them to wherever they go and leave a nice note. hey, if I were a moron I'd appreciate knowing it. Feel free to print this out and use it!

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