Anshax

Well folks, I think I made my position on anthrax very clear the other day in an article. I did not think it was anything to be afraid of. I thought it was a bunch of nonsense blown out of proportion by the media.

The government told us over and over not to be afraid. I trust the government, really I do. Why else would I send them thousands of dollars each year? I send in my tax money because I trust them to do better with my money than I could. They don't squander my money do they?

There I was doing my civic duty not being afraid when whammo I got a letter in the mail. No, it wasn't an anthrax letter, it was far more scary than that. It was a letter from the postal service telling me what I should be watching for. I didn't realize they thought little old me could be an anthrax target.

I'm telling you, that letter scared the hair off the back of my knuckles. I went straight down to the street and burnt my mailbox down! It just figured that if I didn't have a mailbox, those evil terrorists couldn't send me any dangerous missives. Unfortunately, my wife made me replace it. Now, I'm an open target for terrorists again.

I also burnt the letter the post office sent me. After all, it might have had anthrax in it. Some of those folks at the post office have shifty eyes. And what's that guy doing at that blue box every afternoon. He's collecting the mail...at least that's what he says.

But I remember most of what the letter said. Now don't quote me word for word but it warned me against, opening any mail from Ed McMahon saying I might already have been anthraxed.

The other day I got a letter addressed to "American Capitalist Infidel or Current Resident" I probably shouldn't have opened that one.

I don't send much mail any more, except for paying bills. I guess if I were a terrorist the only folks who would have to worry would be the ones I owe money to.

I didn't trust the mail before the anthrax scare. Those overpaid lunatics at the post office constantly, lose, mutilate and Lord knows what else to my mail. The fact is, most of the people who have contracted anthrax are postal workers. I suggest the culprit is one of their co-workers. Most likely he's become enraged with his co-workers and didn't want to wait the 30 days to purchase a handgun.

Half my mail comes back to me after I send it. Boy wouldn't that be a total drawback to being an anthrax mailer! I guess I'd have to write, "Under no circumstances should this letter be returned to the sender." Can't take too many chances.

And while I'm at it maybe I could include "Please Fold Spindle" and mutilate.

No kidding, I've heard news channels for a month report on who may have anthrax, who may have sent anthrax and how many albums anthrax sold on it's last tour. The way I see it, we have the two biggest liars in the world, the news media and the government both giving us advice. One says not to be worried and the other says worry a lot.

So how many of you got a letter from the post office advising us on anthrax? Let's see a show of hands. Now, how many of you actually read it? That's what I thought. You missed it, really you did. It had four tips for avoiding anthrax in your mail. The first three made sense but the third one bothered me a bit. Do we really have to be told not to chew our unopened mail? Actually the alert says, "If you receive a suspicious letter or package: Don't open, smell, touch or TASTE ..." That's right, taste.

Ever since all of this started I've been wanting to send someone a box of powdered donuts. Sure, they'd want to eat them and might be tempted to. But just how well do they know me? Are these normal powdered donuts from Chip? Or are they super bacterial anthrax donuts...You all know me, you make the guess.

Then there are the postal inspectors. They'd rush to my friends house and confiscate the donuts. They'd spend thousands of tax dollars running tests and reporting findings to the media. Maybe they'd even lock me up until the tests came back and revealed they were common Krispy Kremes. Then who'd look foolish?

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