Hate Me

Clearly, I get more e-mails than the normal person. I'm involved in several online ventures and can receive up to 300 emails a day. The delete key on my computer is very worn as a result.

If you want me to read your e-mail title it something hateful. I make it a point to read only the hateful ones and the ones idiots send me discussing their latest paranoid thought attack. You know the ones titled "The Government is out to get you."

But one thing I've learned from my years of reading Maynardville.Com hatemail is this, you folks don't have a clue how to write a good piece of hate mail. You have no imagination!

You folks tend to want to discuss facts. Facts have no place in a good hatemail. But it's important if you want to make up some stuff you have to make it sound true and like you know what you're talking about. My secret to this is to preface the sentence containing my halftruth with "Certainly." As in "Certainly you are functioning in life with half a brain." see how much better that sounds than simply typing in all caps, "YOU HAVE HALF A BRAIN."

And if you're goint to analyze my thought processes please state your credentials qualifying you to do so. How many years you took psychology in college, how many institutes you've been confined in, etc. Saying, "Because you said Dipstick in your article clearly shows you have an inner hate of the world." Simply shows that you watch too many afternoon talkshows. If you want to talk about this sort of stuff call Oprah, it has no place in a hateful e-mail.

I can also say that you should share your feelings with everyone. Don't just contain yourself to emailing me. Put your thoughts on our message boards. Email all the addresses listed at various places on the website. After all, everyone is certain to be interested in your latest literary masterpiece. Therefore post it everywhere!

And thanks to everyone who sends me their crackpot ideas for articles on Maynardville.Com. It's my policy never to use these ideas but I love to hear them. Most of them address the fact that the writer seems to believe that everyone is out to get them. This certainly couldn't be because the writer is a moron. No, there are obviously those who conspire against you and you're doing us all a favor by exposing them. Please feel free to post these on the message boards too. Don't sign them though, you never know who might read it.

Oh, and I especially like those of you who write me and threaten lawsuits. Wow, these are always so creative. The writers of these types of hate letters always use big words. Don't worry, we have a dictionary, it's down there holding up the broken leg on my desk. Should you use a word we don't understand and for some reason that day we give a crap what you're saying we'll pull it out and look up your fancy words.

And there are those of you who write me and ask me to back up everything I state with a source. Most of you are in Nashville. Listen to me on this and I'll give you a little clue. If I'm going to lie and make up a fact, it's not that much of a stretch to make up the source too. Sort of like you politicians pulling statistics out of the air isn't it?

And to the lady who is always telling us how smart she is. I guess it's too hard for you to demonstrate how intelligent you are, so you mention in every letter you're a member of Mensa. You know, I took their test when I was in school, didn't really seem that hard. However, I went around telling everyone how well I did on the Mensa test, didn't get me a single girl. It's sort of like this, if you have to try to convince people you're smart there's a good chance you're not and Mensa needs to up it requirements to join.

And on closing, please allow me to say:

Phffffffffffftttttttt!!!!!!!

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