Safety 1st

I'm to the chapter in my baby owner's manual that tells me I need to child proof my house. I may have to just move off and leave it until Hannah grows up. Any of you have a padded room to rent?

The very first paragraph tells me I have to move everything out from under my kitchen sink but the dish towel. Unfortunately, the second chapter tells me what percentage of children die in the world from eating dish towels.

I surprised my wife while she was at work the other day. I installed all the safety thingies on the doorknobs. They're sort of cool, you have to squeeze them a certain way to turn the doorknob. This is to prevent your toddler from opening doors and wandering outside and getting eaten by the wolves on the porch.

My wife was so surprised that I had done this without being told several times. Unfortunately, she was just as surprised that I didn't show to pick her up at work. This was shortly surpassed by the surprising phone call she got. "Honey, I'm stuck in the house and can't get out, how do these door knob things work?"

I've come to realize that everyone hated me as a kid. Mom and dad didn't have bumpers on the tables or gadgets on the doorknobs! How could they have endangered me like that? I'm traumatized for life!

And this Union County School System! What were they thinking letting me play on eight foot monkey bars on the playground? They were made of steel and had no padding, nor was I given a parachute to save me should I slip. Fortunately, they did install a concrete slab beneath them to break my fall.

My wife told me we have to move all the poisonous house plants down to the basement. I wanted to pitch them outside, but she says they'll die. I have no idea what she thinks they'll do down in that windowless basement. Maybe she just wants them to die a slow horrible death.

We had to reset the water heater too. Had to turn it down because we have a kid in the house. Now we have our choice of a cold or a luke warm bath. Gone forever are the days of a good hot soak. We give Hannah baths in this fancy kid's bathtub. I have to test the water with my elbow to prevent little Hannah from being scalded. My elbow is now bright red and scalded but I'm happy to report Hannah is happy and a soft pink.

But my point is this, no matter how many books I read or how many gadgets I install to avoid it, my child will have accidents. Anything in the world is dangerous if you think about it long enough.

Take the porta-potty that a worker was using that was placed too near a hole being dug. When the worker could not get the toilet paper dispenser to work, he stood up, placed one foot on the dispenser and both hands on the roll, and jerked backward. The dispenser at that point gave way, and the force of his backward fall toppled him out the door and into the hole.

If you can get hurt in a porta-potty there is no hope for my house. Oh, well I'll try my best anyway. Well, I'm off to pull my cat's teeth. Did you know that 200 children in America each year are hurt by cat bites? Me either! Not my Hannah! Here kitty kitty...

The contents of this page does not necessarily represent the opinions of Maynardville.Com, it's owners or the staff.