This page ©2001
Chip Brown.

Schmanthrax

Ladies and gentlemen, I've called this news conference here on the website, mainly because the mainstream news media won't believe me. It is my sad duty to report, my office is contaminated with anthrax.

I came in this morning and looked around and noticed this fine layer of gray powder all over everything. I have no doubt it's anthrax. My wife says it's dust where I haven't cleaned my office in months. She points to my corroded coffee cup as proof. Since she's not a doctor, I don't think she's in any position to make that call.

Therefore this morning I called the Center for Disease Control. Unfortunately, they still have my number blocked from the incident where I reported to them my neighbor was infested with plague.

I fear it may be too late for me dear readers, as I already have symptoms. Scratchy throat, watery eyes, a cough, sneeze and I just hurt all over. I have a sore on my arm that won't heal. (Chip's wife's note: He dropped a lawnmower blade on his arm and has picked at the scab for a month.)

Now again, my wife insists on practicing medicine without a degree. She says I have the common cold. Common? Indeed! There is nothing common about the way I feel. And if I ever had a cold I'm sure it would be something extraordinary.

I've been scouring our medicine cabinet for some magic elixir that will make the bad leave my head. To quote a three year old, I feel like I have a boo boo all over.

I've been drinking this cherry elixir that's supposed to relieve most of my symptoms. The label reads:

Dosage: Adults: 2oz. (one capful) taken once every 4 hours while symptoms persist. Provides temporary relief of sneezing, coughing, nasal congestion, and body aches associated with the common cold."

Oh yeah, that sounds just like my anthrax doesn't it? I've been drinking it for about six hours now. Oddly I still feel like death warmed over. I did notice this morning though that the Jerry Springer Show seemed oddly humorous. I don't know if it's that I'm jacked up on this syrup or delusional from the fever, but I found that the fat guy wearing women's underwear to just be hilarious. I'm going to regret writing that aren't I?

Provides temporary relief of sneezing, coughing, nasal congestion, and body aches associated with the common cold. That's what it says. But it doesn't, nor does it have a new and improved cherry flavor. In fact, little that's written on that label could be considered truth by definition.

So, in my state of 20% alcohol and 80% not very good imitation cherry flavor I've decided to postpone writing the article I started. Instead I have decided to write a note to the Vick's Cold Cure Company.

Dear Sirs,

I have used your product and while I may well have anthrax instead of the common cold, your elixir did nothing for my symptoms. Your label calls this mixture a "Cold Remedy," I suggest you change this bit of falsehood to "Alleged Cold Remedy."

Oh and that point about, "Provides temporary relief of sneezing, coughing, nasal congestion, and body aches associated with the common cold." I feel to more accurately reflect the quality of your product should be changed to, "For temporary relief of reality. Guaranteed to have no effect on coughing, runny nose, nasal congestion, headache, or body aches. It will, however, get you so plastered that you won't notice them."

And you seem to think that your elixir tastes somewhat like cherries. I have no idea what you do to your cherries to make them taste this bad, but you sir should be ashamed of yourself.

And I also feel that the thirty pages of warnings on your package could be rephrased thusly:

WARNING: Using this product will reduce your IQ by at least 80 points and will cause you to speak incoherrantly. May make one feel like their head is full of wax. This product has the power to make floors wobble and door frames jump out in front of you. Bed rest is recommended to keep you from hurting yourself while under the influence of this alleged remedy.

One should not permit their impaired judgment to lead them to believe that they may use this product and be anything remotely resembling safe in a car. Unless, you have sense enough to lock yourself in the trunk and wait for this stuff to wear off.

If symptoms persist for more than 3 days, or are accompanied by fever, headache, rash, nausea, vomiting, or hemorrhaging, create a will as quickly as possible you probably have anthrax.

And finally, why don't you add this little line down near the bottom of the bottle:

If you are able to read the tiny type on this side of the box, you should probably increase your dosage.

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