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Chip Brown.

Poop Paper

From the more than you needed to know department:
This article was written on a laptop by Chip stranded in the bathroom.

Today, I'd like to talk to you all about toilet paper. Every man in the world is just dumbfounded by this stuff. The assortment at the store is enough to give you the hives. If it weren't for our wives we wouldn't know which brand to buy.

It's all advertised as being soft as goose down. I've never sat on a goose, so I can't say whether they're telling the truth in their ads. However, I did try their "NEW" toilet paper. Without going into it, goose down feeling toilet paper gave me a...er...rash.

But Charmin recently came out with their new and improved paper. I've used Charmin all my life. Never once did I say, "gee I wish they could make a better paper." I was satisfied!

But this new Charmin, man I don't know what the'ye thinking. I could sand the paint off my car with it. The call it Charmin Deluxe or something like that. They could just as easilly have called it John Wayne paper. It's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off of anybody.

Anyone besides me ever wonder where the toilet paper goes to? I go in there one minute and there is a full roll. Unfortunately this is not when I have to actually use the potty. But the case is, anytime I have to use the potty that full roll of toilet paper has dissappeared. Where did it go?

I have beaten my cat well enough to decide if he knew anything about it he would have confessed. I am satisfied that my cat is not eating toilet paper.

My wife buys those huge econo-bales of toilet paper too. I remember as a kid my mom bought a four roll of Charmin and it lasted our family of five a month. Now my wife and I buy it by the bale and we're always out. Maybe my wife is eating it.

Since having the child she has been trying to loose weight. You know come to think of it Charmin probably doesn't have any calories. I'll bet it's low on fat too! By golly I think my wife is eating the toilet paper!

I sit here typing this looking at the brown tube that used to be my perfect roll of paper. A brown tube is all I have to show for it. While a brown cardboard tube was great in Kindergarden for making paper snowmen, it's hardly useful to me now. And besides I don't have any cotten balls or Elmer's glue handy right now.

It's not just my bathroom either. I have yet to ever see a public restroom with a roll of toilet paper in it. I secretly suspect if you stood outside the mens room at Walmart taking pictures you'd get a snapshot of at least three women sneaking off with the toilet paper. You'd also get a photo of the nice policeman hauling the picture taking pervert away.

Oh, I intend to ask my wife if she's eating our toilet paper. But just like the other day when I accused her of hiding my shoes in the closet, she'll just deny it. I figure the toilet paper diet is one of those secret women things that men aren't supposed to know about. Sort of a women's Commode A' La Mode.

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