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Chip Brown.

Cola Bang

Like you dear readers I have often wondered just who this Chip guy is. What makes him tick, where does he get all these hair brained ideas? Fact is, I don't know a lot about myself. Most of the ideas I have for articles come from not taking my little green and yellow pills. When I forget to take my pill the voice whispers new article ideas to me.

But I learned something about myself the other day. Not in the shrinks office but right there in the local Bi-Lo grocery store. I go through life being nice, helping guys carry things and opening doors for ladies. Everyone tells me just what a sweet nice man I am. This has gone on so long I had begun to believe it myself.

Then last week at the grocery store I learned of the dark side to Chip. A side I had never seen before..A side I hope to never see again. Not since Jeckyl and Hyde have I witnessed such an evil transformation of a man as I did in the soft drink isle.

I chose my two litre carefully, careful to get a caffeine free Coke and not a caffeine free "DIET" Coke. One tastes like Coke and the other tastes like three week old fish tank water. Anyway, I had just turned to leave the isle when I saw a little old lady in need of help.

This lady was in more need of help than any lady I had ever seen. I could have and should have helped but I stood there frozen like a deer in headlights. Riveted to the tile floor frozen in time.

Around the corner came one of those electric ride on shopping carts. You know the kind the elderly use to make shopping easier. I had seen many old folk using them. In fact I had often gotten things off the top shelf for them when needed. But this lady was different.

She came straight across my isle! Holding on the the back of the chair was a thirty something year old girl. She was being pulled along like a macabre water skier. She was holding on with one hand while screaming with glee and all the time appearing to be trying to assault the old lady.

A split second later I realized she wasn't screaming with glee, she was just screaming. She wasn't trying to assault the old lady either. Seems she was holding the electric scooter cart, trying to reach the emergency off switch.

They shot across the isle and into the display with a thud. Up against the wall and finally stopped, the old lady collected herself and finally pushed the back button. She succeeded in extracting herself from the cola display and reversing about four feet. Hitting the forward button she again propelled herself into the colas.

I swear dear readers I did not laugh at the old woman until she had backed up and hit the cola display four times. I had to leave the isle I was laughing so hard.

Judge me as you will and send me your hate mail. But I suggest to you that while I am above average, I am only human. Do not condemn me until you can see an old lady run repeatedly into the Coke shelves and not smile.

I learned a lot about myself that day. I'm not near as nice as I thought. But I also learned that a screaming old lady pulling a young girl and crashing into a store display with a motorized shopping cart was one of the funniest things I had ever seen.

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