This page ©2001
Chip Brown.

The Bomb

I remember when I was a little tike in school watching videos on what would happen when the Russians dropped the bomb. This was in the same class where the teacher told us the Russians wanted to take our Bibles and everything over there was gray. I remember her well, the way she laughed, her tender touch when I fell on the playground, the way she kicked and screamed as the guys in white coats dragged her away.

Remember those movies they showed us? In case of nuclear attack we should get under our desks and hide our heads between our legs. Who wants to die like that? I mean maybe other schools had lead lined desks that might indeed lend some safety in a nuclear blast but those plastic things we had were hardly bomb proof.

No sir, I remember sitting there that day watching that movie and thinking how stupid this was. If the bomb was coming I was going to run over there and smooch that Suzie Schwartz right on the lips. This lead to the day Bille Wornton pointed up in the sky and yelled the bomb!!

Maybe I should have looked up. If I had I would have seen the Goodyear blimp as it passed over Maynardville. Instead I got my face slapped by Suzie Schwartz and ordered to attend gender tolerance counseling.

All this bomb hooey is a bunch of nonsense. We all have them and none of us are going to use them. The real worry of nuclear weapons comes not in them falling from the sky, but from them laying over here in Oak Ridge and rusting like a 74' Chevy. Eventually, a big hole will rust in them and all the gooey nuclear goodness will leak out on the ground. Then everyone will glow in the dark! Well, everyone but me! I always wear my super magic nuclear reflecting Superman underwear. I bought them from the guy who brought that movie around to school. He assured me they'd protect me from a nuclear blast even if I couldn't reach the safety of my desk.

But even as we have our weapons laying idle, rusting to the ground other countries are trying to get their hands on one. Russia is said to be selling them to third world nations as is China. How much does one get for a nuclear device these days? I checked there aren't any on Ebay right now.

That's why if I were President I would open up the world's first Honest John's used nuclear device lot. I'd sell them cheap to all my third world friends. In fact, I'd give out free samples! Every year I'd check my list to see what countries had been naughty or nice and I'd send the naughty ones a free nuclear device strapped to a titan missle.

So we as Americans are told that we must spend billions each year to develop new nuclear devices. We're told they're a deterant. A deterant? Give me a break! We have them and we ain't going to use them. We know it, our government knows it and every crackpot who wants to fly a plane load of innocent people into a building knows it.

As long as our nuclear weapons lay idle in a barn in Oklahoma all we are detering are a bunch of overpriced nuclear physicists from having to go to work at McDonalds.

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