This page ©2001
Chip Brown.

Ms Hannah

Editor's note:
Chip is away from the office for a few moments, and filling in for him is Hannah Brown, Chip's 6 week old daughter.

Waaaah!! Fart-spit-poop! Eat eat eat. Belch!

Well, that's about it for Hannah this week. Tune in next week when Hannah gives her perspective of the current globalization of the world economy.

Okay folks I'm back.
You know, if I were giving my opinion of the world economy, I probably couldn't put it better than Hannah's sentence above. I sort of wonder just how much little babies know.

Oh, I know they sit around and poop on themselves, but let those of us who haven't done that cast the first stone. I think it's just a cover up to hide just how smart they are. Ever go to a store and watch babies? They look at each other! Gazing from stroller to stroller they seem to communicate in some way. Whether it in the way they wave their arms wildly or the way they scream, I suggest to you they communicate.

I've been wondering about where babies come from! No, I know that, my wife explained that to me 10 months ago. But is there a waiting room in heaven for babies waiting to go to earth? Do they get an orientation?

I mean I always hated starting a job when I didn't know anyone. How'd you like to do it not knowing anyone, not speaking the language and having no control over your bowels? I worked with a guy like that once, I think his name was supervisor something or other.

If babies don't get a pep talk before going to earth, they should. There should be a guy up there that explains things to them, sort of shows them the ropes. When I die and go to heaven my first order of business is to explain that incident at McDonald's when I was 17. After that I'm going to go to the suggestion department and suggest a new baby orientation class. I would even volunteer to teach it! I have some ideas about what babies need to know, want to hear them? Good!

First kids need to know about childhood.

Take belching and passing gas for example. Babies need to know long before their born that parents are fickle about these things. When you are a baby parents enjoy hearing you belch and pass gas. In fact, they encourage it. But do it when you're 17 and you'll be banned for life from your family reunions...That reminds me, I wonder whatever happened to my Aunt Martha? I haven't seen her since I was 17.

Do not, play Little League. Little League is a sport for grown up egos. If you want to play ball, all you need is a few other kids, a ball, a bat and something to use for bases. Rocks, trees and telephone poles work just fine. Don't let adults ruin baseball. Same goes for every other sport.

Next kids need to know the truth about the years 12 through 18.

Watching TV is not bad. Watching it up close will not make you go blind. Parents tell kids that because kids are thick headed. Being a thick headed kid, if you sit too closely to the TV your parents can't see the show from their couch. If you become a rotten teenager with no manners whom the world can not stand to be around, it is not the TV's fault...it is your's.

This will be the section of years you will most likely think about trying cigarettes. Your parents will tell you whatever catch phrase the current First Lady of the United States suggests, trying to appear to look smart and give a hoot about kids, such as smoking doesn't make you look cool. In fact somebody thinks smoking looks cool! How else can you explain all the people giving themselves cancer voluntarily? But no matter what you decide, looking cool or not, smoking cigarettes will make you smell funny.

And finally, the later years. These are the years I know the most about as I find myself there now.

One thing I know for sure is that marketing rules the world not political leaders or talking heads on CNN. One thing everyone will learn is that spots on dishes when you take them from the washer is not nearly the big deal the dishwashing detergent companies would have you believe.

Being surprised when you turn thirty will always be followed by being surprised when you turn 31, then 32, 33, etc. Having a baby at any age will make you feel old as the hills.

And finally, when you reach 75 toss out everything you've ever known to be true about life. Now it's time to live! Run with scissors, color outside the lines, smoke cigarettes and drink yourself into a coma every Saturday night. At 75 you learn all the things your worried about in life don't seem so important any more.

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