This page ©2001
Chip
Brown.
Need a Change
Most of you know that we have a new little child in the Maynardville.Com household. Hannah Chea is one month old today!
There are many things I have already learned about children in my first month
as
a parent. The first thing I learned is I can go for three days without sleep.
The second thing I learned is that one shouldn't drive after going three
days without sleep. If any of you were run off the road last week by a sandy
colored Toyota, please forgive me. And for the family that owned the black
dog...I'm sorry. I drove through your yard to miss the giant dancing diaper
I saw in the middle of the road.
The next thing I learned was that we wasted $1000 dollars on baby classes. While all those books were pretty, and the nurses that taught the classes were nice, they didn't know squat about babies. But that's a whole nother' article.
Now I don't want to scare my wife, so I haven't said anything to her...But I think our child is broken or something. She poops on herself! I know that I have been guilty of this infraction a time or two myself, but she does it five or six times a day. I'm going to call the doctor Monday to see if maybe we can put a cork in it...diapers aren't cheap. And besides, when I pooped on myself at least I was drunk.
Sleeping and eating are things of the past. I have learned that I can complete any meal in three minutes flat. And with one hand to boot! Sleeping, now there's something. I remember what sleep was like. I remember telling people, "man I feel bad, I only got four hours sleep last night." Four hours of sleep all at one time would be a vacation these days.
When I was a little kid we drove past this fortune teller's parlor on the way to my grandmother's house. I remember seeing on her sign that she read tea leaves. I always wondered just what one can see in tea leaves. Now, granted I still can't see anything in my glass of tea, but I now have a similar talent. I'm going to erect a sign in front of my home that says...Chip Brown Fortune Teller...diapers read. That lady could tell the future by reading leaves. I have learned the art of telling my child's health by looking through the diaper. What color is it? How does it smell? These are all indications of my daughter's future health and well being.
My great grandmother was a full blooded Cherokee who lived on the Reservation. I remember meeting her when I was a child. She scared me to death! But, in honor of my Native American heritage, I have learned an ancient Indian dance. It involves prancing around the living room, bouncing up and down patting my baby's back like a tom tom. Eventually, my efforts will either solicit a burp from baby Hannah or a rainstorm. My great grandmother would be proud.
But finally folks, having a baby seems to have damaged my mind. I can no longer complete a whole train of thought. By the time ten minutes of my TV show has gone by, I've forgotten I was watching something and find myself feeding, changing or cleaning. Sometimes in mid-sentence I forget what I was saying and find myself making nonsense sentences to my child.
I just seem to get distracted easily, even in the middle of a task I find I've lost my train of...
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