This page ©2001
Chip Brown.

Mall Rat

Ever been to the mall? Of course you have, we all go to the mall. Inspiration for many of my articles come from there. Usually, it's my wife that wants to go, I just tag along in hopes she will buy me a pretzel at Aunty Ann's Pretzel Factory. Ah, the greasy salty delight of an Aunty Ann's Pretzel! The best food at the mall even if their soft drinks are $5. See, they sell you this huge salty pretzel for $1.99 and then charge you $5 for something to wash it down with...Wait, I didn't start writing an article about pretzels!

No, I wanted to talk about the mall.

Why are kids so attracted to the mall? They go there in droves just to walk around. I never see them buying anything, they just walk around looking stupid. Every kid in America if they're not sleeping, dead or in jail are hanging out at the mall on Saturdays.

They just stand around in their baggy pants getting in my way. They speak a language I can't understand and sporting hair colors that had to be a mistake.

Youngsters skip school to hang out at the mall. I go a lot on Wednesday, which is my wife's day off. But there, at the mall, are these same kids just standing around. Why aren't they in school? Did I miss they day they moved school to the mall? Lack of school is most likely the reason for the baggy pants and weird hair color. They can't read!

They guess at their pant sizes and since they can't read, pick out pants three sizes too big. I guess this explains why all their pants hang down around their knees. Their hair color is the same, not being able to read, there's no telling what they wash their hair with.

It's sort of ironic that kids lay out of school to hang out at the mall when you think about it. Considering they're laying out of school, most likely the mall is where they'll end up finding employment. After all, there are way too many idiots for them all to get "good" jobs at Walmart.

Malls are turning more into attractions than shopping areas anyway. West Town has the walk across squirting fountain, while East Town (excuse me Knoxville Center) always has a Santa, live band or art exhibition. If the malls really want a good attraction they should combine the attractions into one. Maybe have a singing Santa that stands in a fountain and spits water at people! I'd pay to see that!

But the attraction they really need is someone to stand at the door and remember where I left my car. More than once I have wandered aimlessly like a nomad in the desert through the sea of cars trying to find my car. Usually, it's the day I drove my truck.

Oh, Knoxville Center has security guards that drive around. I'm told that they sometimes will help finding lost cars, they're main function is to keep me safe while I walk around in the parking lot searching for my own vehicle. Safe from what? All I ever see them do is sit in their SUV's beside the sidewalk and talk to scantily dressed 15 year old girls. I hardly think I'm in danger of being mugged by a 15 year old girl with her nose pierced.

They're also supposed to drive around and make sure nobody's car get's stolen while they're shopping. One only has to look at the police reports to see how highly effective this idea is. Of the 300 cars stolen weekly at the mall, very few are stolen by scantily dressed 15 year old girls.

I have no doubt that most of the cars are stolen by people like me. Some poor guy who has wandered around the parking lot for half a day trying to find his own car. After so long, you'll take any car just to escape the Mall parking lot and starving to death.

And finally, there is something about our local malls that bother me worse than strange kids, bizarre Santas and the like. It's the signs they put up when a shop goes out of business. I've noticed that most business that go out at our malls are named something or other "Hut". Adding "Hut" to the end of your business name is the kiss of death. You may as well name yourself the "Soon to be out of Business Hut."

But as soon as a place closes the Mall runs out and paints a sign that says in cheerful letters "Another Exciting Retail Opportunity." Maybe they'll add something optimistic like, "Watch for a new business coming soon!"

These are the same spin doctors that call the eating area at West Town the "Gourmet Court." Gourmet? It's a Taco Bell for goodness sakes! At least East Town just calls theirs a "Food Court." That's a stretch in itself.

If the Malls ever go out of business, these folks should get a job working in cemeteries. On every tombstone they could write something optimistic and upbeat like, "Watch for a new body to reincarnate here."

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