This page ©2001
Chip Brown.

Lucky Day

Who among us hasn't gone to the local Fair with the hopes of seeing the Snake Lady in the Freak Show? I remember going when I was 16 just me and my friend Tony. We drove all the way down there to see the snake lady. What we saw was a 90 year old woman eaten up with scabies. She was hardly a snake lady, she simply had dry cracked skin.

In a perfect world we would have demanded our money back. However, both of us together barely weighed 200lbs, we were hardly the sort to go toe to toe with the carnies. Therefore we left disappointed, broke and aching in the stomach. The broke and dissappointed was from the snake lady. The stomach ache was from two rotten hot dogs we bought.

No, this wasn't the first time I realized life wasn't fair, but I remember laying there on the table having my stomach pumped that night. Having a green hot dog pumped from your stomach gives one time to think. The first thought that came to mind was to never again purchase a County Fair hot dog. But I spent the rest of the night thinking how the world wasn't fair. If someone takes your five dollars and promises to show you a snake lady they should have to produce a snake lady. Not some 90 year old decrepit old lady who I'm sure was mouthing "help me" through the glass.

Life just isn't fair!

I quit buying lottery tickets for this very reason. I used to drive to Kentucky to buy my tickets in hopes of striking it rich. I called it my retirement plan. I even wrote a computer program to search all lottery results looking for a pattern.

Later, as I drove to Kentucky someone on the radio said I had a better chance of getting struck by lightning than winning the lottery. I drove along thinking about that. My luck I'd finally have a "lucky day" and win the lottery and be struck by lightning the same day.

If life were fair America's Most Incredible Police beatings would come on TV every night. Every third episode would feature people I know getting a good whacking.

If life were fair women would be married to men who actually listened to them. Then again, if life were fair and your wife needed to talk to you, she would appear in a little box in the lower corner of the television screen. This way we could listen to our wives and not miss any of our show.

I sat down last night and ate a whole box of Twinkies. If life had been fair I would have gotten out of bed this morning to realize that Twinkies were super good for me and had made my biceps very large. Instead I got up with a tummy ache and my pants don't fit any more.

I have come to realize that I am "NOT" already a winner in the Reader's Digest Sweepstakes no matter what Ed McMann says. When Mello yello runs their contest and says four out of every five bottles is a winner, I will always buy the fifth bottle.

I guess I shouldn't worry about how unfair life is, after all it isn't permanent, it will most likely end in death. I don't worry so much about the way my life is flying by, I worry more about the sudden stop at the end. I sort of look at death as life's way of saying..."You're fired". No matter what I work at or who I work for, sooner or later I'm going to be fired.

I've sort of decided in my 36 years, I shouldn't try to solve all of life's problems at once. They're much easier to dread one at a time. Plus, this gives me a chance to place the blame elsewhere more easily.

If I can't find anyone to blame for the problems that life hands me, I just say, "Oh well, life isn't fair." After all, if life were actually fair, politicians would be making a living asking if I want fries with my order.

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