This page ©2001
Chip Brown.

Earl

Today is the day my wife told me to get the oil changed in our car. I'll get around to that after a while, right now I have other things to do. Fact is, I'll get around to those other things in a few minutes. Right now, I'd like to discuss with you a ritual, found only in the South.

It's called the oil change! In some parts of Tennessee it's pronounced Earl change. But hey, you say tomato, I'll say mater. But the oil change is one of the rituals of male life in Tennessee.

Men won't tell their boys about the birds and the bees, mainly because birds and bees don't use 30 weight Castrol. I'll bet you if birds and bees drove around in V8 Chevys men would want to talk about them.

Now an oil change over at the Jiffy Lube in Maynardville costs about twenty one dollars. A great bargain! I sit in the office and eye all the snack cakes in the vending machine while they change my oil. My wife won't give me a quarter so all I can do is look.

A friend told me the other day I was spending too much getting my oil changed and would be better off doing it myself. I bet him that he couldn't change his own oil for $21. Men with bets are like little boys with the famous "double dog" dare. To turn one down opens one up to ridicule from your peers.

We set off in our experiment to change his oil. I kept score of his expenses with my little pad and pen.

First we went to Bates Auto Parts where we purchased five quarts of oil for a total of $6.25. Then we added to our purchase one oil filter $5.10, one scented tree for his rearview mirror at $1.25 and a Snickers bar at $.50. I jotted all this down in my pad for a grand total of...$13.10.

Greg argued that the scented tree and candy bar weren't part of the oil change. However, I pointed out that Jiffy Lube doesn't sell scented forest replicas nor Snickers bars. In my mind, had we gone to the Jiffy Lube he wouldn't have made these purchases.

Back at his house he tries to find his jack stands. He wanders around his garage like a nomad in the desert looking for these implements to no avail. Apparently, Greg feels that a beer sharpens one's powers of observation. Giving up his jack stand search he goes to the kitchen and retrieves a beer. He pulls up a cinder block and sits and drinks his beer contemplating where he last saw the jackstands.

I add to my pad...one beer at a cost of $1.80.

Ah inspiration, certainly brought on by the beer, encourages Greg to use the cinder block to hold his car up. Now my friend slides the floor jack under the car and begins pumping like a dehydrated man at a well. Unfortunately, the jack missed the car frame. Instead of lifting the car it merely lifted the floor to the dash. Frustrated, Greg drinks another beer and begins hammering his floorboard back down.

That's another beer at a cost of $1.80.

Things went pretty well for a few moments. Unable to locate a 5/8 wrench to remove his drain plug, he uses a pair of vice grips. I guess I can't charge him for stupidity. However, in a moment he drops the drain plug in the bucket of hot, freshly drained oil. No charge for that either. However, I charged for the tube of Aloe Gel to treat his burn after trying to retrieve the plug by sticking his hand in the oil. Oh, and the next beer he drank while I put the gel on his angry looking red hand.

Let's see, that's $2.19 for the gel and another $1.80 for the third beer. I maybe should have, but I didn't have the heart to tell him he was already within eleven cents of paying to have his oil changed. Why stop him now ? It was just getting fun to watch.

Unfortunately, Greg's luck wasn't changing. Wherever he was at the last time he used his jack stands, was most likely where he left his filter wrench, for it too was missing. After drinking his fourth beer, he speared the oil filter with a screwdriver and twisted it off. I was in such awe of his ingenuity at removing the old filter I almost forgot to charge him for his fourth beer.

That's another $1.80 by the way.

The oil was successfully drained from the car by this point and he drug it from underneath the car. As luck would have it, his drain bucket had a hole and while the oil had drained from the car...likewise had it drained from the bucket. Fortunately, his concrete was there to catch it.

Oh, and another beer while pitching a cursing fit.

Greg, being a old hand at cleaning up spills walks into the house for some kitty litter. I must admit that I too have heard that cat litter will clean up oil spills. However, I think they mean fresh cat litter. But, I guess the car being drained of oil prevented us from driving to the IGA for a fresh bag. Seems to me he could have let the cat finish his business first though.

And I added $2.89 for the cat litter.

After his sixth beer, Greg decide maybe he should clean the cat before his wife got home and found the oil stained feline. He decides to take a break from changing the oil and bathe the cat.

6th beer...$1.80
5 Band-Aids $.60

Everything went well putting the new filter on. Considering he had drank 6 beers by this time, quite an accomplishment. He began pouring in the fresh oil, not very steady but none the less doing a pretty good job hitting the hole. Then the cat ran across the floor playing with the drain plug.

That's another 5 quarts of oil $6.10
And his 7th and 8th beer.

Having mercy, I drove and got his additional oil and put it in.

But it was the gall the boy had. While I was gone he drank beers number 9 through 12. Unaware, that he had just spent $46.48 on an oil change he could have gotten in Maynardville for $21, he says, "See, I told you it was cheaper...hic hic."

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