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Chip Brown.

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Wedge-E

I'm sitting outside the other day down next to the road. I sit there a lot, just me and my weed-eater watching cars go by. My wife thinks I'm out trimming the lawn, but in all actuality I'm sitting where she can't see me. This way I get my nap and she gets the satisfaction of believing she has made me do chores. We're both happy, it's the secret of a good marriage.

Sometimes the little eight year old kid from down the street stops by and talks with me. I like this kid, he may be the closest thing I have to a friend. Me and this kid think alike. My wife says she figures eight years of age is about my maturity. I don't know what that means, but it seems to make her happy.

My friend, we'll call him Johnny tells me he has a problem with bullies at school. I tried give him advice about what to do, now his mother won't let him play with me any more.

But what struck me as odd was that little Johnny didn't know what a wedgie was! An eight year old kid that doesn't know what a wedgie is? What's wrong with a society that doesn't educate it's children to the proper application of the wedgie? What are they teaching in schools today, tolerance or something? I say the only way to get a bully off your back is the careful application of a wedgie.

Now, it occurs to me that you pitiful readers may not understand what a wedgie is. The standard wedgie (the most common) is where one boy stands behind another boy and reaches down the back of his pants. Getting a firm grasp on the boy's underwear the wedgie giver attempts to pull the underwear over his victim's head. Thereby, pulling the underwear firmly and uncomfortably into the butt crack.

Now frankly, there are a few rules to proper wedgie giving. For safety's sake, I will give them here.

  • The number one rule is NEVER EVER do what Chip describes or tells you to do. Not only can you harm others but your parents will get mad at you and Chip. When parents call Chip's house it angers his wife and Chip receives a wedgie.
  • The first rule is that the victim must know he is about to receive a wedgie. A wedgie is the most fun if the victim screams for mercy long before the wedgie begins.
  • If you apply a wedgie and tear the victim's drawers it is indeed your responsibility to replace the torn undergarment. It is not acceptable or sanitary to offer the pair you are currently wearing.
  • NEVER wedgie a girl. Wedgies are purely a boy thing. If you try to grab a young lady's undergarments not only will you be taken to jail, but you will get a butt whoopin' from an irate daddy. (From someone who is soon the be the father of a little girl)
  • Although it has been done, you should never attempt a frontal wedgie. If one attempts a frontal wedgie and fails to grasp the undergarment, we open ourselves up to taunting by our friends who accuse you of trying to put your hands down another boy's drawers.
  • As a victim, one should never try to avoid a wedgie by failing to wear undergarments. This opens the victim up to the humiliation of a good pantsing.

Pantsing: (pant-zing) noun From the old english meaning to jerk someone's pants down in a crowded room.

Wedgies have been around as long as time. Somewhere over in Europe cave paintings were found to depict one caveman giving another what appears to be a wedgie. I either saw that on the Discovery channel or else I dreamed it.

The earliest recorded American wedgie was given by General George Custer to Chief Sitting Bull of the Sioux tribe near Little Big Horn. Unfortunately, General Custer failed to abide by the rules of the wedgie and paid the price for his actions.

**History Note**
It is believed that before the Custer Wedgie, there may have been a wedgie applied to John Hancock at the moment he bent to sign the Declaration of Independence. It is believed to be the reason for his abnormally large signature.

History has born out several variations of the wedgie. The standard or normal wedgie is described above. But the variations take several forms:

Hanging Wedgie
Performed the same as the standard wedgie, but after pulling the shorts from the back of the pants one hangs the victim on a doorknob by the drawers.

Atomic Wedgie
Either on purpose or accidental, any wedgie where a portion of the undergarments actually cross the top of the victim's head. Unless the victim is wearing extremely large bloomers it is impossible to give an atomic wedgie without ripping the drawers.

Crane Wedgie
The crane wedgie is where several people all wedgie a victim at once. Several perpetrators grab the underwear at the same time and lift the victim off his feet. A good example of a crane wedgie victim is the new kid at school who attempts to tell the football team they're doing everything wrong.

So there, I have explained the wedgie. Now don't blame me for school violence just because I explained this. Wedgies have been around for years. Let's continue to blame that on TV and video games.

If people in the movies would quit running around shooting people, kids wouldn't think of it. In fact, I propose that when a TV policeman captures a criminal instead of shooting or beating them senseless, they take them out behind the police station and apply a good wedgie.

It is my hope that instead of resorting to violence and shootings, kids can begin to settle their differences with wedgies, noogies and wet willies.

Maynardville.Com Staff Note:
Please do not send us any more hate mail. Chip knows he's a nut and so do your children, they'd be more likely to listen to you than him anyway. AOL says if our mail volume increases they will charge us extra. We promise not to let him out unattended.

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