This page ©2001
Chip Brown.

Buggies Me

Last night, against my better judgment, I watched the local news. I expected to hear about local muggings, shootings and robberies. I don't know why this always surprises me, but our local media was telling me about Chandra Levy, and some guy who got bit by a shark at some beach.

Now, why would our local news be covering a shark bite victim. Have I been asleep at the wheel and someone slipped a beach into Tennessee? One of these days somebody needs to tell our local news what "LOCAL" means. Okay, I accept the nomination, I'll do it.

But amid the shark bites and the local news from 1000 miles away I saw something that peaked my interest. They lead into the story with this line. "What new technology could be coming to shopping carts soon?" Then they told me to stay tuned to see.

Of course, after a teaser like that I couldn't change the channel. It didn't matter that the Simpsons were on channel 43, I had to know what to expect on the new shopping carts.

Could it be that some super scientist has discovered that putting oil on the wheels takes away that awful screech?

Possibly, could some college student have discovered that round wheels roll while flat wheels do not?

It seems that Krogers is experimenting with a new "Super Buggy." They suspect that people are taking their shopping carts home. Krogers apparently is experiencing buggy theft at an alarming rate. To combat this, they've turned to technology. Krogers is developing a buggy that won't roll if it's 300 yards from the store entrance.

Well, here's a news flash for them. Walmart has had this technology for years, their buggies won't roll fifteen feet from the store entrance.

Who among us hasn't experienced the whackety-thump whackety-thump of a buggy with "D" shaped wheels? It drives me insane! Or at least more insane than before I came into the store. There is just something about a buggy that hops up and down like a square steel rabbit, that makes me angry.

Then there is the buggy pile at Walmart. I have seen Chinese puzzles easier to take apart than extracting a single buggy from the stack. I jerk and I pull I kick and I curse. Finally, by bracing my foot against the pole and giving a mighty tug I break a buggy loose. Unfortunately, it's always the buggy that goes whackety-thump whackety-thump through the store.

If you're ever in Walmart and discover 30 abandoned buggies in lesser traveled isles, they're usually placed there by people like me. I find it easier to carry my 300 pounds of purchases than to place them in a broken buggy and drag them along behind me.

Personally, I don't think anyone is stealing these buggies. For them to believe that anyone would want one of the broken things is ridiculous. I believe they should invent a buggy that rolls rather than one that rolls less.

Frankly, I think people are taking these broken wheeled buggies and rolling them off in a ditch. There is little doubt if this buggy is left in the store it will rejoin the general buggy population for public use.

People used to shoot horses when they broke their legs, I think we should do the same with shopping buggies. When half of a wheel breaks off don't just put it out for use like you didn't notice something was wrong. Take it out back and shoot it...Put it out of MY MISERY.

It is my opinion that instead of experimenting with super anti-theft buggies they should do more research in the check-out field. I'm pretty sure that careful study will bear out my theories on this subject.

My theory of checkout is that the lines at the checkout are directly in relation to the number of lanes open. 300 shoppers in line with only three lanes open leads to backup. Now granted, I could be wrong, but I think it deserves careful study.

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