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Chip Brown.

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UMMMM...OHHH

Okay I finally go to the doctor for this little problem I had been having. Suffice to say that most people considered me to be full of crap before and in this instance it was indeed the case.

Now my doctor, whom I have mentioned before in Doctor Strange Glove, gave the a box of miracle pills to cure this. However, I think I will toss the miracle pills and continue to try a better diet of fiber.

Now why would I turn down this miracle of modern science? It was the warning on the back of the box. It wasn't the warning about the pills causing cancer, nor was it the warning about the pills causing webbed feet. No, the warning that almost literally scared the crap right out of me (and thereby making the pills obsolete) was this:

Use of this product may cause sudden, violent and uncontrollable diarrhea for up to two weeks.

Now listen I am already a social outcast, nobody wants to be my friend. I just can't see this as being a positive course in my life for the next couple of weeks.

"Why yes Bob it is great to meet you ...I...Ohhh....Ung.....holy!.... Blaghhhhhhht!"

"Yes I think I'll have the chicken with the....ahhhh....oh man.....garagh...ummm ...Blaghhhhhht!"

Can you think of a worse kind of diarrhea than sudden, violent and uncontrollable?

So I call my doctor in hopes of getting something different. I explain my plight to the doc as I see sudden, violent, uncontrollable diarhhea not so much as a side effect but more as a curse.

He assures me that these pills will not cause any such thing. He explains that they put that on there because of the risk of lawsuits.

Now listen if I crap my pants in public I don't want everyone in the world to know. In fact I will probably try to blame the sound and smell on the guy standing next to me. What kind of moron would sue over this.

Yes your honor I was... Your honor I need a recess... I...Ohhh....Ung.....holy!.... Blaghhhhhhht!"

Case closed right then and there. Sure I'd win but I would be plastered all over Court TV and Fox's show, "World's Most Amazing Flatulance."

No sir I would just as soon my dam be stopped up as flowing like the might Mississippi.

But just exactly what is violent diarhhea anyway? Does that mean when I blow the guy beside me gets knocked down? Maybe I could use it like a weapon. "Stand back folks, I have a bomb in my bowels and it could blow at any time!"

But then again maybe it could be used for my amusement. I could climb up on top of a car drop my drawers and let her blow. Imagine what goes through the poor guys mind when he comes out and finds his car. You know his first thought is a bird. A giant bird flew over and used his car for target practice. He would walk around the neighborhood looking for the bird. I mean after all a bird that just did something like that surely can't make it far.

But I'd probably slip and fall and knock myself unconscious. Then the guy would come out and find a fat redneck laying beside his car with his pants down. Probably the impact would have triggered the old bomb bay doors so I would be soiled.

Probably a bad idea anyway because if I got caught I don't think this would be an affliction that would endear me to my cell mate.

Naw I think I'll just hang on to the pills and hope nature just takes it's course. If it don't I'll go back to the doctor...I'll take one if he will.

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