Such a boob

Some idiot has challenged me to write an article and use the word boobs as many times as possible. If you are offended by or otherwise affected by a gratuitous use of the word boob then shove off.

So I am at the Walmart the day after Christmas, when what should my wandering eyes see? A woman bent over a display with her butt showing at me. -Prose by Chip

There she is all bent over the display looking at half price Christmas wrap wearing low rider jeans. She is searching with one hand while the other hand utilizes three fingers to cover the exposed crack riding above he belt line. No, I am not mistaken, because I walked over for a closer look.

Why is it when some woman does this she is either 80 years old or so over weight you aren't sure if it's butt crack or just another flesh fold escaped from the girdle? Why do hot girls never do anything like this?

Today dear readers I would like to discuss boobs. Now before you write me I have already received many letters telling me that I should not use such words in humor. But alas my vocabulary is small and all the other words I know for them are far worse.

Women often ask why men are so fascinated with boobs. I believe it is because women have them and we don't. Well maybe that guy on the far stool at Dunkin Donuts has some but for the largest part we don't. You want to find the real creepy guys watch out for the "Leg Man." These are men who say they are more attracted to a woman's legs than any other part of their body. Why would any man do this? We have our own legs!

I think we are fascinated by boobs because women keep them covered up. If women constantly wore hats I have no doubt Playboy would have centerfolds of women's heads.

Women, if you wrap a Christmas present on December first and put it under the tree what do men do? They sneak, they unwrap and they ogle don't they? Men can't stand a surprise. If women walked around with their boobs out men would quickly lose interest. Doubt me?

Ever see those articles in National Geographic about the tribes in Africa that walk around naked all day? Did you know it is a scientific fact that not a single naked tribe has a word in their language for strip club? They don't need them! What are they going to do swing around a pole and throw off their nose rings?

But American culture encourages men to look at boobs. Men stare at boobs and companies have learned to make money off of boobs. Ever hear of Hooters? Ever let your husband go there? If advertising is powerful enough to make people buy Tickle Me Elmo's, it's little wonder that it has the ability to keep boobs in our thoughts 24 hours a day.

But men are fascinated by and stare at other things. Take car wrecks for example. Men are fascinated by them and will cause wrecks themselves to have a better look at them. Therefore I think the mathematical equation boobs X Car Wrecks = Men making arses of themselves. Let some Hooters girl have a car wreck and lose her top there will be ten men wreck directly across the street from her.

But I want to be different!

As of today I intend to cast off my wicked manly ways. I hereby swear that my days of being fascinated by women's boobs are over. No more will I be a slave to big business and buy a ratchet set just because a big chested girl in a bikini told me to! No sir (or ma'am) my days of being a boob afficianado are over.

Therefore all of you women who were hesitant to send me topless photos before feel free. I assure you they will have no affect on me at all. Go ahead try me out. For legal purposes you must be above the age of 18 and below the age of 40 and have a bra size of at least C or D.