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Chip Brown.

Super Chip

I have decided that if I ever grow up I want to be a superhero. Not one of those namby pamby pantyhose wearing superheros either. I want a cool costume like a trenchcoat and hat. Sort of the Sam Spade (fictional detective) of crime fighting!

I can see me now lurking in dark alleys of Union County wearing my trenchcoat. Creeping around corners and jumping out at people throwing my coat open at the last moment.

Wait, that was from when I decided I wanted to be a flasher. Since "The Flash" is already taken I guess I better leave my trenchcoat buttoned. But anyway, I'd want to wear something real cool with a big "L" emblazoned right on the front.

"L," you ask? LOSERMAN! That's what I'd be called, my wife told me that last night when I told her I wanted to be a superhero. She says my super power would be the ability to lose things never to be found again.

I first realized I had these superpowers back in school. My Senior year I actually lost my locker. No kidding, the second day of school I couldn't remember where my locker was. Of course, being Loserman, I had lost the little card with the number on it the school had given me.

Fortunately, back then girlfiends had this thing about sharing lockers with their boyfriends. I figured all I had to do was follow my girlfriend and let her lead me to my locker. The girl I followed led me to a locker and when she left I rifled through it looking for my American History book. Then this boy whacked me in the head.

Maybe it was the hit in the head that did it but my memory came back. My locker was number 34! I also remembered that girl hadn't been my girlfriend in several months.

But, I do have the uncanny ability to loose things. I have a whole drawer full of single socks. I've lost several bath robes, and I hate to think where I was at when I took it off. I honestly think I could loose a tatoo!

But I'm not without my useful powers. I can do math in my head faster than most people can use a calculator. I haven't found much of a use for this ability yet though. However, if I am ever in a bank and it's being robbed I'll jump into the nearest closet and change into my superhero costume. I'll re-appear and begin combatting the crook with square roots and calculations of the angles of various triangles!

I have the best ability at removing ketchup from bottles. Maybe I could be Ketchup Man and come running in weraing a red suit to lossen stuck ketchup in homes and diners across America!

All good superheros have to have a sidekick so I'd probably have one of those too. Come to think of it, if I were Ketchup Man I'd have to have a sidekick named Mop Boy. While I do have the ability to remove ketchup from the bottle, the ability to direct where it goes fails me.

I have no weaknesses that I know of, other than the fact that my mind wanders. My wife sent me to the store the other day for yogurt and I brought her corn on the cob. I don't know how it happened, but something just cleared my memory, I suspect it's Kryptonite. I also suspect girls wearing tight shorts carry Kryptonite. There seems to be some correalation between seeing a girl in shorts and forgetting what I'm doing. I'm pretty sure it's Kryptonite.

Therefore as a superhero, I would make it my duty to go around attacking girls wearing skin tight shorts. Jumping out of alleys and....No wait this is my flasher idea again...What was I writing about?

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