This page ©2001
Chip Brown.

But Money

I would like to quote one of my favorite preachers..."I hate to preach about money but..."

Now don't get me wrong, we're not having money problems here at Maynardville.Com. In fact, we're a bit more than paying the bills at present. I wrote some small programs for a company and made some spending cash. But that got me to thinking, if these people pay me for 4,000 lines of boring computer code, why shouldn't you people pay me for 400 lines of humor each week.

Most Internet Column writers go extinct before their first year is out. They say things like, it costs a lot or it's hard to come up with ideas each week. Fortunately, I have had none of these problems. My wife pays the bills and my mind is so warped I see an odd side to everything.

I'm probably the only guy in the world who has left a request that upon my death a sign be placed atop my coffin. This sign is already made and signed by me. It combats the stupidest comment I have heard so far in my life. It'll be placed on top of my open coffin and reads, "I am not better off....I am DEAD!" There are many people that would be better off upon my passing, but certainly not me, dead is dead. It's not that I'm trying to be funny, it's just that things like that bother me. My wife is probably only telling me she'll do it to humor me anyway.

But thinking like this is what allows me to ply you all with my nonsense each week. I write about four or five articles a week. My wife reads them and decides which are fit to publish. This no doubt keeps me out of jail. One day soon I hope to publish the rest in a book and take some of your money that way. But it just dawned on me today, you all are getting the benefit of my bizarre sense of humor for free!

No longer!

I've been writing this stuff for three years. Now, newspapers pay me $12.50 per column, but I figure I can give you all a discount. Hmm, three years times about two hours per column, by two a week...carry the five...adjust for the rising cost of living...add legal fees for various slander suits...You all owe me about $3,000 each!

Now, I don't expect you all to cough up $3,000 dollars right away. I am a bit off center, but not unreasonable. No sir, I can set you up on a payment plan. Maybe $100 per month for each of you. Multiply this of course by 9% interest and we'll settle for $108.75 per month per reader! Simply start sending me the money at my PO Box, I trust you. I give a 20% discount for those of you who just send me their credit cards.

Now listen, there is no reason you people can't afford to pay me. Don't make me have to send Ed and his weed-whacker to visit you.

Now granted, given the fact that you waste hours each week reading my column, it's apparent to me you probably don't have jobs or meaningful lives. But that doesn't mean you can't get out and do some old fashioned stealing. It's nothing to be ashamed of, unless you get caught and put on the six o'clock news. It's not like I'm asking you to steal an old lady's car to sell for crack. Simply rough her up and take her purse!

Stealing not in your line of work? Okay fine, I understand that everyone doesn't want to be a thief, I think that's very commendable of you. However, we can always discuss kidnapping. Now, the secret to a good kidnapping is you have to snatch someone that others want back. Face it, if someone snatched me, my wife wouldn't pay a red cent. The insurance clearly states I am no good to her kidnapped. However, if you kill me she gets a lot of money...this doesn't sound good. Okay, never mind this last idea.

Okay, so you don't want to do anything criminal! I have millions of ideas for you all to raise money. How about you go out and put water in your car's gas tank then sue the car manufacturer for not putting a warning on the cap that water is harmful to your car?

Don't try pouring hot McDonald's coffee in you lap it's already been done. But I have given some thought into putting a Dairy Queen Blizzard Cone down my drawers and litigating for frostbite. I'll let you know how that turns out.

So granted I have demanded you send me $3000 for the trouble of writing these articles for you, but I have also given you several ways to make the money to pay me. Do I have to do everything for you people?

Oh, men, don't ask your wives for the money...they'll without a doubt think it's a bad idea.

PS.
My wife just walked in and asked me..."You aren't asking for money again are you?" Of course I said no, so let's just keep this between us.

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