This page ©2001
Chip Brown.

E-Ternal

I have been inspired by God to offer all you fine people the following opportunity to LIVE FOREVER! Well, not exactly by God but this guy on Cop's Saturday night running down the street with no clothes on saying God told him to run to Florida naked.

Now who hasn't thought and dreamed of the opportunity to cheat death, excluding the nut standing on the ledge of a 20 story building? Sure you have, and thanks to recent changes in science I can now offer you a death free life!

No longer shall you fear the Grim Reaper visiting your home. If he shows up you can show him your Live Forever Certificate of Authenticity and send him on his way. Or better yet, point him toward your neighbor with the smoker's cough.

All it costs is $19.95! That's right, for less than Ronco's Veg-o-matic you can live forever! How can I offer this at such a ridiculously low price? Because I buy in bulk and pass the savings on to you.

Now you won't find this offer in stores. Not even on Walmart's "As Seen on TV" shelf. Fact is, I've been told that if I tried to sell this on TV I would go to jail. Now who wants to live forever and be in jail? This tells me one thing. The TV people want us all to die!

No sir, I am only offering this service right here on our website and for a limited time offer. There is no doubt what with my device cutting into inheritance taxes, the government will try to shut me down. So hurry and get your Live Forever kit today.

Now what can you expect to get for your $19.95? Along with the lighter wallet and the laughter of your friends, five magnetic rings. These rings you will wear every day and as long as you have them on you will not die.

How can I make such a promise to you? Spaceage technology and the gazillions of dollars the government have poured into NASA make it possible. Now, I'm sure you would be skeptical of such a claim. But we back our product with a warranty.

Our warranty clearly states that upon purchase of our set of "Live Forever" rings, you have a 90 day warranty. If you should pass away within that 90 days your next of kin need only send us your rings, a copy of your death certificate and your left index finger for a complete refund!

Still a little scared to buy such a device? Billy W. writes us from Hicktown Tennessee and says, "Feller's, I'd surely like to buy one of your live forever kits. But my fiends all say I'd like to be an idiot if I did. It's a long way from the bar to home and sometimes I'm run clear out of the road by cars coming at me from all sides bowing their horns. But dang I hate for Nate and Earl to think I'm a moron."

Well Billy, tell your friends this. Maybe they think it's funny now, but you'll be the one laughing when they're dead and you're living in their trailer!

And we're happy to say that Billy qualifies for our Beer Swilling Yokel special. One kit for $19.95 or two for $50.00. Just in case you want your drinking buddy or your old hound to live forever right along with you. In the unlikely event you want your "Old Lady" to live forever with you and Cletus we can let you have three sets for $100.

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