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Chip Brown.

Gross-ree

Since my wife has been laid up by the doctor, it falls on me to do the grocery shopping. It only took me one trip to learn my wife didn't want a good assortment of soft drinks, candy bars and potato chips for dinner. In my own defense I did buy a box of cereal, that stuff is supposed to be good for you. While the Super Sugary Chocolate Gut Bombs were in a pretty package and had a cool toy inside, they were cereal in name only.

From this point on, my wife has sent me to the store with a list. Secretly, I think she called Bi-Lo and told them to watch me and not allow any impulse purchases. This guy kept following me around and when I'd pick up snack cakes he'd run over, smack my hand and point at the list. I'm telling you, my wife has spies everywhere.

Even though I worked at a grocery store while I was in school I never really paid much attention to what they had. I remember they had cute cashiers and like food and stuff, but I never thought about buying anything.

Produce gets to me. I see these ladies walking around picking up fruit, squeezing vegetables and thumping melons with their knuckles. I have no idea what this is for but as I say, 'When in the grocery store do what the old ladies do."

One of the things on my list was watermelon. I watched this lady choose one by thumping around on it. When she left I took my turn. I thumped here and there and couldn't tell one watermelon from the next. I decided maybe I should squeeze it. I picked a melon up and gave it a big hug. It seemed quite cold and unaffectionate. I still knew nothing about this melon except it reminded me of this girl I used to date. Maybe I should try to bounce it.

Cleanup in the produce isle! My wife can have watermelon next week. As the mop crew ran over, I confessed to the crime. I told them the old lady in the red dress did it.

My list next included canned green beans. Once I found the canned food isle that they had cleverly concealed behind the juice section, I located the brand of beans my wife buys. Three for a dollar, they were on sale. I put three cans in my buggy and felt good about making such a thrifty purchase.

I stopped by the canned meat section as my wife expected me to pick up a can of salmon. She didn't specify what kind, and there were many to choose from. Salmon and rice, salmon and chicken, salmon seafood delight. Finally down near the end I found just the plain salmon. Oddly it was in a small can with a cat's head on it. I guess cat's like salmon too, this must be the company's mascot. It was packaged by the Friskies Company, I had heard of them.

Something about those three cans of green beans was weighing on my mind though. I just couldn't put my finger on it.

The last two items on my list were bread and toilet paper. Now what's the procedure for buying these? I know one you're supposed to squeeze and the other you're not. I think the commercial was "Please don't squeeze the Charmin." Yeah that was it, "Please don't squeeze the white bread" doesn't sound right. I guess it's okay, as long as i don't confuse these two products at home.

At the checkout line I was asked for my bonus card. I handed the lady my stack of cards, Krogers, Ingals, CVS, Blockbuster, etc. She chose one and scanned it. As she rang up my groceries it dawned on me what was bothering me about the green beans! They had suckered me into buying three cans! My wife had only wanted one, I couldn't face her after making this sort of mistake. What could I do?

I lamented over this snafu while I drove home. Then I remembered something my dad had told me when I was young. Ever time he flung something out the window of the car he told me, "the squirrels will eat it." I don't know what kind of squirrels people around here are used to but by looking at the side of the road I think squirrels must eat apple cores, banana peels, coke cans and dirty diapers. Surely the squirrels would eat a couple of cans of beans, so I flung them out. This way some needy squirrels get a meal and my wife never needs to know I was suckered into wasting money on an extra two cans of beans.

Where do squirrels get can openers?

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