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Chip Brown.

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Ho$pital

Okay, most of you know that my wife has been in the hospital by now. For those of you who don't, she had a ruptured appendix at 31 weeks of pregnancy. This is a big hooting deal.

Was I scared? No, not a bit, I was in control of everything. Until the terrified nurse ran in, beat my wife's chest and asked if she could hear her. I think it was about then I realized her stomach pains weren't gas from the greenbeans the night before.

Again, I'd like to thank everyone who came by the hospital to check on my wife. It meant a great deal to her. She doesn't remember any of you, but she seemed happy at the time. Many of you sent flowers, and that was great too. However, I priced flowers recently, I wish you had just given me the money.

Honorable mention goes to Lisa Brantley Yount (my wife's best friend). Nobody called more or came by more. I really appreciate her efforts, flowers calls and cards. Oh, and the fact she was the only person to bring anything for me!

What's wrong with you people? Sure my wife was in the hospital, but I was right there too! None of you brought me a thing. Lisa brought me Dunkin Donuts coffee and a gift basket of chocolates, that makes her my favorite visitor. I needed gifts and sympathy too!

Now, some of you may cite the fact that my wife was in pain. While that may be true, I slept on a hard sofa in that room. Every morning when I woke up I couldn't feel my legs and my back felt like I had fallen from a third floor window. I didn't get nothing, while my wife got all sorts of trinkets. Just because she had a body part removed.

When I complained a lady told me, "well your wife has to get all these shots." She got 42 shots and eight IV's...I counted! And every one of those were injected while she squeezed my hand. I have to stop by Prestige Jewelers and have my wedding ring straightened, if I can get it off my finger.

There are a couple of things I noticed down there at the hospital. First, nurses have no sense of humor. Everytime a new nurse came in to give my wife a shot I asked her what it was and what it was for. Most were impressed at the interest I was taking. They were less impressed when I asked the cost, and inquired if they had anything cheaper.

Hey, I belong to one of those HOMO's? PLO's? HMO's? Anyway one of those insurance plans with a lot of letters. One can't be too careful with those. When I called the insurance company to inform them my wife would be having an emergency apendectemy, they asked me if I was sure she needed one. I confessed I was not a doctor. Luckily, the helpful insurance lady walked me through poking and prodding my wife. When she was satisfied that my wife had screamed enough to warrant surgery she gave the okay. What can you expect from an insurance company whose idea of a breast exam is a trip to Hooters?

But they gave my wife this stuff called Magnesium Sulfate. It's used to stop labor. It is my opinion that the water at the post office is laced with this chemical. I'm in there every day and have yet to see anything resembling labor going on. But that's another article.

Anyway, one of the side effects of this Sulfate stuff is that it burns you from the inside out. Now, I knew my wife's room was small, but I didn't know until after the Sulfate we were in a refrigerator. They turned the temperature down to 55 degrees and my wife still laid there sweating. Stayed that way for three days.

Now 55 sounds warm, but you try sitting or sleeping in a room like that. I woke up in the middle of the night and saw penguins walking around. Fortunately a nurse came in the room, fixed the gas leak and the penguins went away.

It's no wonder to me that hospitals are full of sick people, they're so cold! The hospital has it's own TV channel on cable with little newscasts and such. On channel 37 was the hospital weather, which I didn't watch. If I had I'm sure they would have reported a blizzard in room 7 on the second floor.

Here I am writing an article to thank people and give an update on my wife's condition and all I've done is complained. She's doing much better now at home and laying flat of her back.

However, I think I'm developing pneumonia from my 10 days with my wife at my wife's sick bed in the refrigerated room. If I end up back at the hospital I have this advice for you. If you want to do something for me, leave the flowers at the florist and bring me coffee and extra blankets. Cash is always good too! One can use cash to bribe the nurse into giving you your pill by mouth...instead of sticking it in a very unpleasant place.

Chip's disclaimer:
While the room was cold the rest of this article is somewhat...um exagerated. In fact, my wife was a very sick girl and I thank the grace of God for her recovery. And while I'm on the subject if you are pregnant and ever get sick, I highly recommend Fort Sanders. If you are fortunate enough to go there you'll meet the best bunch of nurses I've ever had the pleasure to know. While they were all nice, the two that stood out to me were Peggy and Meredith on the second floor and Sharon on the sixth. I promised some of the nurses I would write this article, and it's dedicated to them. Thanks ladies for keeping my buddy alive.

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