This page ©2001
Chip Brown.

Flying High

Some people have a fear of flying, it's just a fact of life. It usually doesn't cause them any real problems unless they happen to be airline pilots. Then it becomes a problem, but may be the cause of the near disasters that keep happening. I wonder how many pilots are flying around up there with their eyes closed? Can you explain why out of clear blue sky an airplane can impact a mountain? I say because the pilot had a fear of flying and therefore had his eyes closed.

Of all the methods of flying to date, airplanes have the safest record. Now, I know some choose to fly on Amtrak, but they just fly off bridges and usually land in swamps. I keep seeing where airlines compare themselves safety wise to driving a car. Per capita you're more likely to die while driving a car than flying in a plane. Whew, that makes me feel better. Except for the fact that when I'm driving, if the motor dies I'm just stranded. However, if I'm flying and the motor dies I will without a doubt, soil my drawers and plummet 30,000 feet to my death.

Every day 30 airplanes plummet from the skies because lovesick ducks try to mate with the engines of a jet. Oh, I know you don't hear about such things, because the FAA has a way of covering it up. I mean with everyone's fear of poor maintenance, bad weather and terrorists, if the FAA was truthful about the reality of duck love, nobody would ever fly again.

There is a medical term for those afraid of flying, it's called "Huge Coward." I am a member of this group. I think most of us are. Who among us hasn't gotten onboard an elevator and not had visions of plummeting to the basement. Oh, the other elevator passengers look calm, but you start jumping up and down and confess you want to commit suicide and take those in the elevator along with you, two things will happen.

First, the other passengers will toss you out at the next floor, no matter what floor you were going to. Second, your wife will start going to the doctor alone.

Fortunately, airlines have a treatment plan in place for those who have a fear of flying. They call it drunkenness. They ply you with tiny bottles of liquor until you are too occupied with annoying those around you to be aware of the very real possibility of passing away in a fiery crash.

I suspect the bus lines have the same plan in place. Go down to the bus station in Knoxville and look at all the drunks waiting on buses. I haven't seen that much liquor on wheels since my cousin Earl decided he could drive his car across Norris Lake.

Oh, if you're wondering, Earl didn't make it. He hit a tree before he got to the lake. He's currently in his front yard fixing his car for his next try.

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