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Chip Brown.

White Meat

You all remember, back when the "Save the Cows" people got angry with me? I actually saw one on TV today. They were talking about how bad it is to eat meat! I have never felt this way myself, I think enough A1 sauce makes any meat good.

Did you know that these people eat nothing but vegetables? They call themselves Venecians, no that's not right...Vegetations? Anyway they call themselves people that only eat vegetables. I think I missed the word they used fixing myself a bologna sandwich.

I have a friend that's one of these vegetable eaters. I never miss an opportunity to eat cow in front of them. They stand there and stare at me like I'm a cannibal eating their third grandchild.

I like meat! My stomach growls at the sight of small animals. My neighbor's dog is on my list should Bi-Lo ever run out of steaks. I just like meat!

My friend on the other hand likes hay. We were having one of those get togethers where everyone brings something. I brought chicken, another couple brought lasagna and in walks this friend with a bag of hay. This bag of hay was quickly prepared in a skillet over medium high heat. This of course makes the ever popular party treat...Hot Hay. No matter how you cook it hay is hay. They tell me it doesn't taste like weeds at all. The same can be said for my sirloin steak.

They topped off their meal of hot hay with a tall glass of soy juice. Nothing cools you down on a hot summer day like weed juice. It wasn't just any weed juice, it was in a milk carton just like a real drink, and came with an AAN (American Association of Neurotics) seal of approval.

I started to choose a hamburger from the buffet table, but decided that to make my vegetable eater friends happy I'd opt for the cheese sandwich instead. My overly militant friends pointed out that cheese is made from milk and milk comes from cows, therefore I shouldn't eat it either. I countered with the point that they don't get milk from dead cows now do they?

We sat down and of course I was cornered by the male hay eater. We talked for a few moments about his kid. Then the conversation turned toward his kid. Finally, the topic ended on the subject of his kid.

His kid is the genetic result of eating hay. He's about 40 pounds, 16 years old and wears sandals with white socks. The sort of kid, my kid will pummel on the playground at school. The sort of kid that goes off and joins the Peace Corp and gets eaten by crocodiles. Seems sort of ironic to be killed by one of the animals you were trying to protect. Now, I can talk for hours on most any subject, as you know. Unfortunately I was not able to talk long about this kid without using the word freak. Maybe that's why the conversation ended so abruptly.

They stormed out of my house, leaving their skillet of hay behind. Fortunately, I was able to catch them at the end of my driveway and with careful aim, land the skillet on the back of their car with one throw.

I don't care if you want to save cows, eat turnips or grass, but why do they feel they have to be so militant? Do they think that one day the cows will rise up and join them in a revolution against the meat eaters?

Before you vege-nuts write me again, let me close this rant with this disclaimer:

I do not condemn you, or your lifestyle. It gives me the creeps the way you analyze everything normal people eat but I can live with it. I hope that you do attain your ultimate goal of living forever in a Utopia of cows and chickens. For me, life is based on quality not length of existence. I would however choose not to prolong a life that excludes steak and hot dogs.

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