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Chip Brown.

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Driving Miss Crazy

Ever noticed how everyone you pass on the road is talking on cell phones these days? Oh, I have one too, but I never use mine. I just carry it on my belt to make myself look cool and important.

I remember in driver's ed back in high school, the teacher telling us how by the year 2000 technology would make the highways safer. In fact, nothing could be farther from the truth. Technology and the distraction it brings have made our roads death traps.

Our politicians are helpless to stop it, as they have more important matters to think about. Such as, what to say to get re-elected and cool words to use for taxes so that people won't have any idea when they're voting to raise taxes.

Now I know you've all seen these people driving around talking on the phone. You've seen them drive while reading the paper. I saw a guy pass me on the Interstate the other day writing a report. ON A COMPUTER!

Now the case can be made that this guy had one hand on the wheel. But we learned in driver's ed that we should use both hands when driving. One to steer with and the other for obscene gestures.

No these people need to keep two hands on the wheel and both eyes on the road. Lord knows they need to be watching for the crazy nuts weaving in and out of traffic, late to pick up their wives because they spent all afternoon writing silly columns.

But in order to keep two hands on the wheel, two eyes on the road, write a report and read the paper, it would require...One plus three...carry the five...Three sets of eyes and three sets of hands. Now, unless the Watt's Bar nuclear plant melts down, we aren't likely to see such a person walking the streets of Union County.

But the roads are dangerous enough without people running their office from their cars. We have people who are late for their weddings driving like maniacs. We have people weaving in and out of traffic like they're in a hurry to get to their funeral. We have the drunk driver trying to commit suicide by drowning himself in Budweiser.

Then we have the people that stayed up late last night watching the late movie and are now five minutes late for work with thirty miles left to drive. Yes, the drowsy driver can be more dangerous than the drunk in many instances. It takes a certain kind of fool to drive drunk, but any idiot can get behind the wheel and doze off.

Fortunately, the City of Knoxville has taken this into consideration in their planning for the growth of the city. They've installed these things in the roads to keep motorists awake. All of our City Streets and Interstates now have them. I believe they're called potholes.

Surely they're meant to be there. I can't believe all those officials drive the streets of Knoxville and don't notice them. Surely they're meant to be there. If not the road inspectors are blind.

This brings me to my final bad driver. The blind driver. Go to the DMV and you'll see a sign that says if you need help with the written test just ask and an associate will read it to you. Are we giving licenses to blind people now? One only has to go sit it Walmart's parking lot and watch traffic to answer that question.

Yes, the modern car is outfitted with the latest gadgetry to protect it's occupants. Airbags, restraint systems and the such. But, what I'd like to see is a car that protects us, the public from it's driver! Maybe a car that detects the driver's IQ and determines whether or not they're smart enough to safely operate a piece of machinery.

Maybe a car that measures heart rate so that when the driver flies into a rage the ignition shuts off until the driver calms down. While this would be a useful feature, it would clog Hall's Crossroads with stalled cars.

Now, I'll admit I'm not the greatest driver. I've driven too fast, I've driven when I was sleepy and all of that. I even used to eat in my car on the way home from work. But I finally gave that up when I realized I couldn't concentrate on my eating while dodging all the morons on the road with me.

I know we aren't likely to fix all these problems. but like always I have a solution. You knew this was coming didn't you?

Since we can't fix the drivers, maybe we should modify the driver's test. Maybe when people take the driver's test they should be handed a Big Mac, large Coke, a cell phone and given the written directions to West Town Mall. If they make it to the mall with at least three of their four fenders intact they pass.

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