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Chip Brown.

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Holy Cow

I was going to write an article about a restaurant, Hooters to be exact. But, my wife walked in and caught me and reminded me that children read my articles too. Just as well, I was writing it all from memory as I haven't been to Hooters since my school days. I have about as much chance of returning there now, as Mike Tyson has of hosting the Miss America Pageant.

Therefore, dear readers I'd like to discuss with you today my thoughts on hunger. No, not the craving I have for pork barbecue sandwiches. I'm talking about real hunger. The kind they have over in those foreign countries like England.

Didn't Sally Struthers die? I thought she beached herself on the coast of Florida. I'm sure I saw it on CNN. They had a boat hooked to her trying to drag her back out to sea. Maybe it was something else, but it looked like Sally Struthers.

Anyway, I was watching TV last night when she came on TV holding a bucket of KFC chicken in one hand, while telling me about starving kids in Africa. She told me how many kids would die in this country if I didn't send them eighty cents a day.

Imagine what it's like to wake up, after leaving your TV on the night before to some woman telling you if you don't send her eighty cents every day she would eat all the children in Ethiopia. Well, of course, I know now that's not what she was saying but I was half asleep.

But I watched the show as I poured my bowl of Rice Krispies. Once again, I didn't use enough to expose the toy surprise. But as I watched all these hungry kids I noticed herds of cattle just walking around the streets. These people are hungry and they have all these cows? Man I decided I needed to open a McDonalds over there.

I had visions of me walking the streets over there dressed in regal robes. The ruler of their land because I saved them from Sally Struthers and hunger. Millions of natives falling at my ankles kissing my feet saying..."Yes, eat the cows, we would have never thought of that!"

Fortunately, later a friend of mine came over and upon hearing my plan, tells me those people worship cows. Well, they don't necessarily worship them as they think they're holy. He tells me they would no more eat their cows than we would our cats. I told him I never thought of cats as Holy, but he thinks I missed the point.

Anyway, the point was finally made, they don't eat cows, we don't eat cats. After my friend left I began to contemplate this whole idea of people not eating cows. I mean I understand why we don't eat cats...well, they're cats! But cows? Of all the animals on earth I could sort of see as Holy, I just don't see the cow in that fashion.

Then as usually happens, I began the wheels of thought turning. I applied some WD-40 to the rusty wheels of my brain and decided how I could a)Solve the world's hunger problems and b)Make myself a nice profit.

I'm catching all the stray cats in the neighborhood and sending them to this country. I'll include a letter stating that I wish to trade these cats for cattle. I'll even include some cat recipes and testimonials about how good they are roasted. Then I'll have an endless supply of Holy cows to eat and they'll have boxes of unholy cats to pass out to the starving masses.

I mean honestly, the only religion I have ever experienced with a cow was saying grace before I cut into my ribeye.

More countries could join in on this idea. Trade your pest animals like squirrels to starving other countries for all those pigs they have wandering the streets.

I for one would like to see us work up a trade to get rid of all the mosquitos we have. There are probably dozens of countries in the world where mosquitos are considered fine vittles! Mosquito pot pie, mosquito a la mode. We could trade our mosquitos for their cats and then trade the cats to this other country for Holy cows. Before long we'd be rolling in Holy cows!

Every time CNN goes to interview the President you'd see cows wandering the streets behind him.We'd be rolling in cows! But then again, we'd be rolling in cow poop too. Dang, I never thought of that. Wonder if there are any countries that eat cow poop? Wonder what they'd have to trade?

I can't believe with ideas like this you people still refuse to name me your supreme leader. Idiots!

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