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Chip Brown.

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Puck-Man

Hockey, that great American bastian of sports violence. Second only to the NBA for bloody noses and lost teeth. Did you all know we have a hockey team here in Knoxville?

Me either! Imagine my surprise when I find we have something called the Knoxville Speed here. Often I sit on my porch in 90 degree weather and think to myself, "Knoxville would be a great place for a hockey team."

Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against ice sports, in fact, I'm a big watcher of figure skating. They sucker men into watching figure skating by putting women on the ice in skirts that would get them arrested on the street. I mean, really, does having a skirt that short make you skate better? Myself, I doubt it, if it did all the guys playing hockey would be wearing tutu's.

I saw on TV the other night where the NHL is considering using electric glowing pucks. No kidding, they say it would help the fans see the pucks from the stand. From the crowds I see at hockey games I doubt they can see the players after their fifth beer.

No, I think someone is stealing pucks. The NHL wants to use glowing pucks to make them harder to slip into one's pocket and carry them out. After all a single puck costs 110% more than a professional football. (I made that up, to sound like I know what I'm talking about)

People can't figure out why hockey doesn't catch on like football and baseball. After all, hockey is more exciting than either of those sports. Yeah, those football players may be mean, but let's see them catch that ball while standing on ice.

More people attended operas in the United States last year than went to hockey games. (Made that up too) I don't understand that either, hockey is far more exciting than opera. When was the last time you went to the opera and a good fight broke out? I'd like opera more if they all carried sticks and just whuped the tar out of each other.

I guess the NHL thinks more people will watch hockey if they can see the puck. These are also the same morons that think people watch Dark Angel each week for the plot of the show. Hardly!

If they want to improve hockey, maybe they could combine it with another popular sport such as baseball. Get rid of the puck all together and use a baseball. Instead of sticks they can carry bats. In less than a week everyone in the league would be toothless and have a concussion. But I'll bet the people would tune in to see it.

Maybe they could combine it with figure skating. Make a women's hockey league where they wear those skimpy outfits and get extra points for doing fancy maneuvers. I'd like to see that! I'd pay to see that Tonya Harding get whacked upside the head with a stick. I wouldn't care if there was a hockey game going on at the time.

Big business is getting into hockey now. I understand that Disney bought a team and named them the Anneheim Ducks. Now, if I owned a team I'd call them the maulers or the maniacs. Ducks just don't strike fear into the opponent's hearts the way you'd think it would. Maybe they could have been the Crazed Ducks. If I were Disney I'd just go all the way and have my players skate dressed as their favorite Disney character.

But hockey just doesn't seem to catch on no matter what they try. Even a game as simple as golf, as boring as it is to watch on TV attracts more viewers. Both games involve people in silly clothing trying to knock a plastic thing into something. One's just done on ice with others trying to kill you. I'll bet you that Tiger Woods wouldn't be so hot if the other players were trying to knock his teeth out while he putted.

Now, I realize that the NHL won't listen to me any more than the American Dart Association, who failed to adopt my suggestion of putting poison on the darts. But I think violence in hockey should be encouraged. It's the only reason some of us watch it.

Men just have a problem admitting to liking sports that feature men on skates. There's just something not very manly about it. Maybe they should get rid of the skates and play hockey bare footed! Everyone just slipping around falling and breaking bones. There's just something amusing about people falling on ice.

Maybe they should make them wear blindfolds too. Blindfolded bare footed people running around on the ice playing a game. I'm beginning to like it better already. Get rid of the goals too! Just give each spectator a bag full of pucks and let them throw them at the players. Last player standing scores a point for his team.

I know you all think this is crazy, but look at all the idiots that watch that WWF XFL Football thing. If something that silly sells, this is bound to be a winner. Fox will carry it, they'll carry anything.

I'm telling you this is the best idea I've had since strip gymnastics!

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