This page ©2001
Chip Brown.

Ahh Heck!

I started to call this article Annoy-Ant, but I remembered I have an ant story later and didn't want to be redundant.

Luckily, the weather has turned cold and bad again. I enjoy warm weather, but the warm temperatures last week just made me bored. I wanted to do something outside, but I'm just flat lazy. I decided to take a nap.

Unfortunately, my neighbor decided to build a new deck at that same moment.

I walked out to the fence as any neighbor does, drinking my Pepsi. I guess some neighbors go to help, I go to heckle. After all, I know nothing about building, but heckling I have down to a science. Now heckling isn't a bad thing, it's sort of like cheerleading. You just stand a safe distance (beyond a hammers throw) and lend moral support and unsolicited helpful advice.

Now, some people would like to heckle, but just don't know how to start. Simply put, you wait until that moment when nobody realizes you are around and yell loudly whatever task is being performed. In my case I would walk quietly up to the fence and yell, "Building a deck!" I'm not sure this is a big help but it will assist my neighbor in distributing his handful of nails evenly across his work area.

Then I would start giving the good advice such as, make sure the bannisters are straight or make sure it's good and level. I'm sure these are things he meant to do anyway, but it's the neighborly thing to do to remind him, even though he ruined my nap.

Then I would start asking questions such as, "Are you going to stain the new deck?" Then follow up by asking what color. No matter what he says I'll then reply, "It'll probably match the rest of your house." Making sure I put proper emphasis on the probably part.

Usually, by this time I realize that my neighbor doesn't want to discuss his project with me. I therefore change my subject to tools. After all, every man likes tools. I ask my neighbor each time what sort of circular saw he uses and how many horses it is. Oh, I know it's 1/2 horse I've asked him enough times. But if I don't ask I can't point out that my new saw is 3/4 horse.

It's about this time I walk on over and pick up a lawn chair and have a seat. It's now time to regail my neighbor with stories of people I know who really botched a deck building job and now wish they'd hired someone. Then, when he get's ready to saw the post, it's a good time to tell him about my friend Stumpy who cut his leg off with one of those saws.

Later, if the chance should arise and he has lost a tool I ask him, "did you lose something?" Upon his reply of what tool is gone I always ask the obvious, "did you look in your tool box?" or the ever popular "where did you put it?"

Some people don't understand the importance of hecklers. It's a profession that spans the ages all the way back to caveman times when Thag first warned Graxx, "not hit thumb with big stone." Truly Thag will have every intention of his warning to Graxx, but won't avoid a good laugh when Graxx doesn't heed the advice.

Hecklers have made us what we are today, it's a noble profession! Where would this country be if Ben Franklin hadn't reminded John Hancock to make sure he signed his name big enough for everyone to read?

The contents of this page does not necessarily represent the opinions of Maynardville.Com, it's owners or the staff.