This page ©2001
Chip Brown.

The Write Stuff

It happens every year about this time, I run out of things to write about. I don't know what causes it, but I suspect it's related to momentary attacks of sanity.

When I'm like this, it is very hard for me to come up with anything funny. I generally just sit on my porch like I am today with my laptop until the battery runs down.

Usually daydreams are a good source of ideas for me. I had a daydream today, you tell me if it's funny. I'm on a life raft in the middle of the ocean after the Titanic sinks. I'm in the raft with six other people and we've been afloat for several days. We are deciding how long our water supply will last and it's figured that with the six of us our water will last three days. Then, I see myself whacking my fellow raft passengers with the wooden oar repeatedly.

Is that funny? I just don't see an article in that.

It's odd how my brain works. As organs go, the brain is one of the most fascinating, if you exclude the organ they play "Charge" on at baseball games. Our brains can store billions of trivial thoughts and facts, yet when we walk through the door at Walmart we can't remember what it is we came for.

As men our brains have been trained through the centuries to be hunter gatherers. The male of the species is conditioned to protect it's family and to hunt prey. Yet, we have been demasculinated into standing in the underwear section while our wives try on clothes. I find it hard to see prey from behind the unmentionable rack.

Marcel wrote in the 1700's his theory that male and female brains perceive colors and time differently. I can't remember what research his theory is based on but it's easy for any man to prove. We only have to compare these scenarios: We tell our wives we have to stop at Walmart for a minute. The man goes in, finds the deodorant he came after (our prey). Through the checkout line and back to the car, barely sixty seconds has elapsed.

However, when a woman says she needs to stop at Walmart for a minute, time seems to slow down. So, to men a minute at Walmart is sixty seconds. To a woman a minute at Walmart is three hours. Why is this? Men buy the same deodorant they've used for years. Women have to shop around for the latest best deodorant. I swear, the last time I stood with my wife while she decided on shampoo, I could have sworn I saw a glacier slide by.

I think brains are sort of like batteries. After you use them for a while they run down. Maybe this explains all the dumb people I see. Perhaps, this explains the lady that runs the McDonald's drivethrough that can't seem to distinguish between a Filet-o-fish and a Big Mac. Maybe all those Walmart workers that just seem to wander around aimlessly, are in need of a recharge.

Psychiatrists would become like mechanics. You take your husband in for a checkup and he hooks him up to a charger. Once fully charged you take him home and he seems normal until he uses his brain again.

I don't know. Boy, I'm bored today. I can't think of a single thing to write about and those squirrels are staring at me again. Well, I'm sorry but I just can't think of a thing to tell you this week.

The contents of this page does not necessarily represent the opinions of Maynardville.Com, it's owners or the staff.