This page ©1999 Chip Brown.

Give Em a Smoke

Someone posed a question to me the other day that I have given considerable thought to. How to stop teen smoking in America today. I gave this question seven minutes of thought and formulated a plan. I swear with thinking like this I don't understand why some government agency don't just hire me.

As I see the smoking problem, we have to deal with the root issue. Kids smoke because we have, as adults had the wrong idea about it all. We should as adults and parents openly encourage it. More than encourage it we should demand that our children smoke!

All the people in Union County that grow tobacco! All the people that smoke and then file suit against the cigarette company for millions! Who will support these people if we don't get our kids on the ball and get them fired up? Personally I see it as a retirement plan without fail. With the stock market, and Social Security our kids have a better chance of retiring on the lottery.

Now, how the heck will smoking help our kids retire? Well as I see it, our kids have two options in life. Once they reach sixty-five they can pour hot coffee on their laps and sue McDonalds or smoke a ton of cigarettes, get lung cancer and sue Marlboro for not warning them they'd get cancer. Both of these theories have been tried and proven to work. Scary when my ideas are tried and really work in the world isn't it?

Now listen, don't worry about filing suit against the cigarette companies, they like it! They settle with your for $100,000 (much less than you've spent with them in your lifetime). And they know that you will take that windfall and reinvest it with them buy purchasing more cigarettes.

Now that I've explained why you should encourage your kids to smoke, here is the best reason.

I envision a smokeless world in my lifetime! It can happen if people listen to me. People encourage your kids to smoke, in fact demand it!

Each morning every school age kid in America should be handed two packs of cigarettes. They should then be told to make sure to have these smoked before bedtime.

When the kids get home from school the parents should check to make sure the kids have complied with the two pack order. "Did you smoke your cigarettes today?" the parent should ask.

"Well I smoked one pack but..." the kid will reply.

The parent will then tell the kid that until that second pack is smoked there will be no TV! The kids will grow up resenting cigarettes! When they're eighteen they'll give you that old "I'm eighteen I don't have to smoke cigarettes anymore!"

You will of course, as a good parent say something like, "As long as you live under my roof you'll fire up!"

"Fine, I'll just move out!" The kid states.

There you have it, problem solved! The kid will never smoke another cigarette again in it's life. And better yet, you got the kid out of the house and on his own. This solves two problems!

I'm telling you all as parents, you should make your kids smoke cigarettes! They'll thank you for it later.

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