This page ©1999 Chip Brown.
Didn't Like My Lake Monster Idea?
Okay so you didn't really go for my lake monster idea. Never heard of my lake monster idea? I have always thought that Union County's main problem is a lack of tourism. Yes, we need people coming into the county spending tons of money and then leaving us, never to bother us again until they get more money! Kind of like Pigeon Forge does now.
One of my first plans in this direction was the Lake Monster Initiative. If you haven't read it please click here to read it first, or else you'll just think this idea is nutty. If you read it first you'll know both ideas are insane!
What I think Union County needs is a good amusement park! Oh I know we have the playland at McDonald's and the Sewage Treatment Plant, but neither of these things are really the sort of item that draws a huge tourist crowd. What we need is a good crowd getter!
Maynardville.Com thought long and hard about this and spent several dollars visiting Dollywood to check the feasibility of such a plan. I have no doubts that once my plan is outlined the county will gladly reinburse me for my season's tickets!
We got the idea early last week when we read in the paper that 30 million Americans would go to the amusement park this year. Well, let me tell you they went last Saturday and 29 million were in front of me in line!
I have decided that the county probably won't fund such a venture right off, so I'll probably have a low budget at startup. So I've designed a few rides that won't cost us a whole lot of money, but will give people the same experience they expect when they go to a large amusement park.
Your day will start by parking three miles from my house and walking to my front porch. Once you reach my front porch you will wait outside for two hours while I stare out the window at you looking at my watch. Once you have waited long enough I will open my basement door, showing that you have waited at the wrong place and now everyone is in front of you!
Once inside, you will see our first ride, the roller coaster! Every good park has a roller coaster and we will be no different. Now granted we can't afford the luxuries of other parks for our roller coaster like, oh say track. But what we will do is load you in my 95 Ford Probe and drive you at 130mph up Ailor Gap Road and back! Of course your ride will be enhanced by slamming on the breaks ever so often to give you that jerked neck effect. Also to heighten the fear factor, we'll drive on the wrong side of the road through curves! At the end, upon returning to my home, one of my co-workers will throw a bucket of water on you!
The next ride will be the bumper cars! For this ride we will place you in the uninsured vehicle of a Walmart Shopper on sale day! You will be tossled and bumped as you plow through the Walmart parking lot at 100mph with no regard to the welfare of pedestrians or other cars! After all you're in an uninsured motor vehicle! The lanes marked off will mean nothing to you as you venture up and down each isle swerving from passing cars as they try to back out. An occassional horn will sound to enhance your audio enjoyment of the ride!
Our next ride, should you survive the first two we like to call the Brain Washer! We take you to the laundromat in Maynardville armed with a pocket full of quarters. Once there we place you in the tub of one of their huge washers! Around and round you go, as the suds soak your ears! You'll scream with glee as the dirty laundry runs through your hair! This ride will be followed by a spin through the Tropic Twister! A spinning barrell of heat in which you can choose two speeds, Knits Gentle, or Full Dry!
Oh I can see it now, what a money making thing this will be for our county! Before long we'll have traffic jams and billboards popping up everywhere! Go cart rides and helecopter tours! Oh man we'll really be something!
Maybe we could add a bungee jump thing. We could take people over to the bridge, tie some rubber bands around their waist and toss them off! Charging them five bucks for the priveledge of such an adventure. Well have ol' Earl down in the lake in his bass boat. He can retrieve the poor souls until we figure how many rubber bands it takes to keep them from smacking the water head first. Once we figure that out, we can let Earl sit down there and collect all the spare change we shake from our victim's...er.... patron's pockets.
One of the greatest amusement park rides I ever saw was called the barrell roll. They put you in this barrell made of foam and rolled you down this ramp. You don't see that ride anymore, probably killed a bunch of people or something. Oddly the insurance companies make you get rid of a ride if it kills people. They frown on such things I guess. That's why our Union County amusement park won't carry any insurance! We don't intend to allow any stuffed shirt insurance idiots tell us what we can or can't do to people. Before long they'd be telling us what we could charge people to let us abuse them!
I can't seem to locate any foam barrells. But I noticed that place down at the county line has a huge supply of porta-pottys! We can just put people in a porta-potty and roll them down Oakland Ridge! Kind of gives people the effect of the barrell roll and ads a splash of water too!
Now finally, we'd need one of them raging river rides too! I just love those things. Problem is we don't have any river in Union County. Bull Run is way too shallow for such an activity. Lets see, if we quit burning all our tires every Haloween, we could tie a bunch of them together and make a raft. But what good's a raft without water?
I've got it! Once again I've put both sides of my brain to work and come up with the solution! Sewage! We could put the raft outside the sewage treatment plant and get everyone in the county to flush all at once! We'll have to make this the last ride though as I'm not sure we'd want to fool with these people after this ride.
And for those who want the full efect of a day at the park, but don't have all day, we have the express membership. We pour greasy french fries down your throat, spin you round and round until you're so dizzy you can't stand up. Then right before you barf we throw water on you. Then, while you're on the ground we take all your money. You go home sick, dizzy, and broke! All the things any good amusement park offers in half the time!
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