This page ©1999 Chip Brown.

Get Your Fingers Ready!

Well, recently my e-mail has slacked up. Oh, I still get lots of e-mail but it's all normal stuff. People want me to advertise this or that, or people have opinions about this or that. But what I like is to anger people over the silliest things possible. So in an attempt to force more absurd e-mails from my viewership I offer these bits of Chip wisdom:

First let me explain humor and how it relates to me. I have a morbid sense of humor. No matter how depressed I get, I can see humor in anything. We're all the same in that and I can prove it.

Let's say an old man is standing at the top of the stairs. The old man is using crutches to get around. He takes his first step onto the stairs and it's the only step he hits. Bouncy bouncy he comes down the steps! You'll all smile at the sight of this! Now come on you will won't you? Then why are you smiling now?

The difference between you and myself, is that I would be laughing out loud. Oh I would be one of the first to run to lend aid to the man but I'd be laughing my rear off. Further I think it would be funnier if the gentleman were to be playing a kazoo when he falls. Each time he bounces he gives a little toot!

I can feel your e-mail finger itching as I write this! You want to e-mail me some sort of feeble attempt to make me feel bad don't you?

You see, I feel there is humor in anything we do in life. Here are some of the rules I live by and it helps me, maybe they will you. Some of the deeper one's I'll explain:

Indecision is the key to flexibility. Never make up your mind about anything. This way you can always claim that whatever happens, is exactly what you expected.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. It never ceases to amaze me that old people tell me how bad the world is today. They say things like "When I were a kid..." Here is a little tidbit for them. When they were kids in the 1800's people settled their disputes with a gun. There were 75% less people in America, yet people were afraid to leave home without their trusty six shooter. When they were a kid in the 1930's the national hero was Al Capone.

Facts no matter how interesting are not relevant. This is my major rule. Nobody cares what the facts are anymore. The facts are determined by the best storyteller. This leads me to my next rule. I have seen the truth...and it makes no sense.

The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. This one works best if you are bigger than the person you are talking to. There is nothing that sways a persons position on a topic like the threat of a punch in the nose. And remember if the terror aspect isn't enough I have another rule. Anything worth fighting for, is worth fighting dirty for.

People who think logically are a nice contrast to the rest of the world. This simply means that I believe the only true minority in the world are the people who can reason logically. And remember that no matter what you do in life, there is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. You only have one chance to make a friend of someone, but many to make enemies. Actually once someone becomes your friend you have a better chance of converting them to enemy.

If you can smile when things go wrong you are insane. Could be you just have someone to blame.

By the time you can make ends meet someone will move the ends.

And finally Chip's number one rule of life on Earth. Never wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty and the pig likes it.

Okay let the e-mails begin. And the person who makes me feel bad will be the winner. The grand prize is that I will taunt you into a rage again.

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