This page ©1999 Chip Brown.

What Pretty Lights!

I'm sure there is a whole chapter in the current drivers handbook about redlights. I'm sure that each kid with a learner's permit has received one of these books. Unfortunately kids can't read!

I shouldn't say that though, there are as many adults who don't understand the concept of traffic lights. So I thought I'd take a few moments out of my busy schedule to clear up some myths about traffic lights in general. And besides that there's nothing on TV today.

There is nothing that irritates me more than redlights. Well there is, but I have redlights on my mind right now. I guess it's not redlights so much as the fact that people really don't understand them.

Redlights have become a macabre dance of cars. Let's take for example the redlight at First State Bank. A car is waiting to come out of Ailor Gap onto 33 we'll call this car Dodge. On the other side waiting to enter 33 from Heiskel road we have the opponent, which we will refer to as Nissan.

As they await their lights to turn green Nissan (Bank Side) gives a signal to imply his intentions of turning left onto 33 and going north towards Maynardville. Dodge, (on the Ailor Gap side) gives no signal. Nissan then feels confident that when the light turns green Dodge will come straight across.

Ah, but this is a clever maneuver on Dodge's part. He knows in the beginning that he intends to turn left towards Halls. Not wanting to give his game plan away too soon he waits on the signal.

The light turns green! Nissan pulls forward awaiting Dodge to pass safely as he comes across. Then Dodge pulls the fast one! He flips his signal indicating he two intends to turn, the opposite way than Nissan.

What is Nissan to do? Does he turn in front of Dodge or pass on his left and then turn. Both inch forward. Both then at the same time make the motion for the other to go. Both then go! Wait! That won't work! Bumpers closer together than ever, they stop in the middle of the road.

Nissan then motions Dodge to go first. Nothing doing says Dodge! He motions Nissan to go. Both then look at each other trying to stare the other down.

If you're in the next car in line (I usually am) you may get to see the next part of the dance. In perfect harmony they both utter the word MORON! Then they both floor it and give each other the one finger salute.

Then the light's red again and these two imbeciles are the only two that got to go. Oh well, it's my turn to play now.

Only thing is...I don't dance. I say, when in doubt blare the horn and floor it. Let the metal decide! Then if nobody wins and it's a draw, it must be decided by a third party. You call a man with flashing blue lights and he decides the winner. What could be simpler than that?

There have been many myths about redlights. Take a few minutes to read over them below:

Myth: Red means stop!
Many years ago this was a commonly believed myth. Today, modern education has taught us that red simply means two more cars can make it. It doesn't matter than some poor soul has spent fifteen minutes waiting his turn to pull out. After all, anyone who waits that long certainly won't mind waiting another minute or two. So by all means we should indeed blast on through the redlight, should we have the chance. Certainly the stop rule doesn't take effect until the light has been red at least fifteen seconds.

Myth: Yellow means, hurry and you can make it.
My brother actually put that on his written test. He, of course was wrong. We all know that yellow means slow down like you intend to stop, then at the last minute go on through the light. This way we can make it, while trapping the moron behind us at the light. Most likely he was riding our bumper and got what he deserved!

Myth:  Green Means Go!
No way! If you're a woman, green means you have a chance for one last go at fixing your hair. If you're a man it means you have a few more seconds to wonder if you're going bald. Green is the perfect time for a daydream or a short nap. After a few seconds, the horns will start and wake you up. Fortunately, you have time to make it before the light turns red again. Poor saps behind you will get caught though, but that's allright, they weren't in a hurry. And how do we know they were in no hurry? Because if they had been they wouldn't have allowed you to blow past them back where the four lane merged into two.

Myth: At a four way stop, when the light turns green, the person going straight across has the right of way.
This is almost true. But the person going straight across must exercise his right. If he wants to enforce his right to go first, he must time it just right. As the light turns green, he must floor it and cut the guy off before he can turn across in front of him. It's usually best to lay on the horn as you do it. Most likely the other guy will lay on the horn also to let you know he understands. If you let him know with the horn for a good long time, and possibly swerve at him he may wave and give you the one finger salute. Remember, it's rude to not return the one finger salute!

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