Medicine Worse Than The Cure?

A few years back, some lady spilled McDonald's coffee in her lap and cost us all a ton of money. We pay more for coffee now to cover the cost of adding red letters to the cup. These red letters read DANGER COFFEE MAY BE HOT!

It doesn't just end there either. Companies saw that idiotic juries are going to allow some dufus to collect millions for spilling coffee. Certainly their products may be next. So we all pay the extra expense of increased corporate insurance premiums and the cost of adding idiotic warnings to boxes.

I started looking around for moronic warnings and came up with a few. I got the idea while watching TV the other night. Amazing how many of my ideas are inspired by TV. And people say TV isn't educational anymore. So let's say that this article is brought to you by the letter M. --M for moron!

This drug was being advertised on TV that was supposed to grow hair on bald people's heads. The commercial touted the strength of this elixir as opposed to it's competitor. Then at the end came the usual disclaimer. "Use of this drug may lead to sudden, involuntary, uncontrollable bowel movements. Now I don't know about you, but the use of the words sudden, involuntary and uncontrollable along with bowel movement scares me.

Maybe you'll get hair on your head and feel better about yourself if you were bald. Maybe you could walk into K-Mart and hold your hairy head high! But if while you're doing this, you fill your shoes with poot, I'm pretty sure your self esteem will hit an all time low.

So here are some of the other odd warnings I have found:

My wife bought a new hair dryer the other day and the warning told us that it was dangerous to use this instrument while in the shower. Luckily my wife reads these things or I would have lathered up and given myself the ultimate permanent at the same time.

So I stopped by the store and read the rest of the hair dryers. Unfortunately none of the rest had similar warnings, although one warned me against drying my hair in my sleep. As I was about to leave the area and rejoin my spouse I saw curling irons. Certainly something so hot should carry warnings! What could they say? Danger hot? Do not leave unattended? No, it said this product should not be inserted into any body orrifice. I know you don't believe me, but go to Walmart and look for yourself.

I mentioned the other day that I had attempted a spray painting project in my unventilated basement. So I had a look at the various cans I had used. Yes you are right, each can warned me to only use it in a well ventilated area. All the cans had similar warnings, but one. On the lilac green can was the warning "Do not spray this product in your face." Well, luckily I didn't dress up as a martian for Halloween last year. Undoubtedly I would have coated my face in lilac green, to look more authentic, totally ignoring this warning.

So during my painting project I ran down to the local DYI store for a box of moulding nails. They came in a nice yellow half pound box. Moulding nails are very small and a half pound will last the mortal man thirty years. So I guess most of us try to find other uses for them. There on the yellow box is a warning against one of the activities I most likely would have considered. It reads "Do not swallow these nails! May cause irritation."

Last night I recorded the A-Team on TVLand, like most other thirty something men must have done. During the episode where they break some guy out of jail (could be any episode), there was a denture cleaner commercial. The commercial touted the cleaner as the best performer on the market, with twice the cleaning strength. Now since I had it on tape I paused and read the fine print. There on the bottom of the screen was the fine print. It read "Our product was tested against cleaning with water only." This no doubt meant that using their denture cleaner was twice as good as using nothing at all! I bet their denture adhesive is twice as sticky as no adhesive at all!

I have been thinking of investing in a motorcycle. Oddly enough I can't find any warnings about motorcycles. But the helmet struck me as odd. Inside the helmet is a yellow arrow pointing forward. Most likely some idiot has put his helmet on backwards and rode is Harley into a tree. Then of course he filed suit against the helmet company and won. To avoid future lawsuits the helmet company added an arrow to pointing the way for morons to insert their heads.

Anybody but me ever notice the warning on Band-Aids? It says for serious injury seek medical attention. Now I'm pretty sure if I sever my arm from my body, I'll know that a Band-Aid won't help me. But just in case some idiot doesn't, maybe this warning will save him the time of trying to reattach his arm with plastic bandage strips. Better get the needle and thread for that.

Cleaning the carpet in my office the other day, I noticed a phrase on my Woolite Carpet Cleaner. It says "Safe For Carpets Too!" Gee whiz, and I bought this stuff for my hair!

The catch phrase for Cheerios Cereal right now is "Tastes so good the box never closes." Ironic that this phrase is located just beneath the other phrase "To close place flap here."

Snickers recently had a contest where you could win a T-shirt instantly. (Chip's note - I won several of these shirts, as I like Snickers. I'd have a hard time wearing them in public though. Across the back reads the phrase Gotta Have Nuts!) Anyway, the candy bar wrapper reads, Win Instantly! No Purchase Necessary! Details inside. Wonder what the store would think if I tore open the candy bar to read the rules? If they tried to make me buy it I'd just point at the phrase "No purchase necessary."

I'm a big fan of those lunchables lunch foods, the ones where everything is refrigerated in one pack. No I don't buy them, I never wanted my crackers refrigerated. But I noticed on the wrapper of the ones with nachos and salsa, the instructions "Dip nachos in salsa." Beats the heck out of pouring them over your head.

I saw a can of room air freshener at Walmarts the other day. It told how many square feet it could freshen. Then it said safe for homes with pets. But unfortunately it warned me that I probably shouldn't spray it directly on my pet. Oh well, I guess we'll have to continue giving our pet baths.

I saw a thing on the Discovery channel the other night about huge airplanes. Very interesting this show. But the one item that caught my attention was the label on the back of what appeared to be the pilot's seat. It read "This seat must face forwards for landings and takeoffs." Seems to me that if in the event this plane is landing and this seat is facing the wrong way, the welfare of the seat is of minor consequence.

Ever noticed those huge washing machines at the laundromat? There is a warning that reads "Do not put people in this machine." I'm telling you what's the truth, first I can't spay air freshener on the dog, now I can't take a tumble in the washer. Just how big do these people think my shower is?

I remember the first electric range my dad ever sold. He has a picture of it. He sold it back in the sixties. In the picture you can make out a warning label that says "Do not build a wood fire in this range."

We bought a stroller the other day. On the back leg, just above the folding release is a tag that reads "Remove child before folding."

Walmarts sells those shiny aluminum foil car shields. These are the kind you place in your windshield when you park to keep out sunlight. Look at the back of one next time you see it. There is a warning that it is unsafe to drive with this device in place.

Ever notice the warning in golf carts? It plainly says that this vehicle isn't intended for use on the road. I am quite certain that's why you seldom see golf courses in the middle of the Interstate.

But my point is this, while I think these labels are funny, let me leave you with a thought. There are people out there that we meet on the road, we pass in stores, we sit behind them at the movies. There are people out there dumb enough that these companies feel the need to place these warning on their products. I think most of them drive in Walmart's parking lot too.

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