This page ©1999 Chip Brown.
And To The Highest Bidder...
Hah! I bet that title got you to click on it didn't it?
Well, Maynardville.Com isn't actually for sale, I talked my wife into keeping that. Although I could be bribed into parting with her should the right offer come along...Maynardville.Com not my wife!
I came home the other day to find my wife boxing all my things up. All my worldly possessions were being tossed into this large cardboard box. I figured surely she had caught me doing something terrible and was tossing my rear out. Then I remembered I'm way too dull to have done anything that terrible.
I got up my nerve and asked her what was going on! Why was she putting my rubber chicken and my whoopy cushion in that box? She tells me, we're having a yard sale!
Now, I've never had a yard sale before, I really don't know how they work. I think yard sales are where wives decide that the husband's junk ain't worth squat and sells it all for fifty cents. That's what seems to be happening here.
I remember just last year spending eight dollars at Spencers for that rubber chicken, that my wife intends to sell for fifty cents. How does she figure we're making money like this?
Now I'm one of those husbands that has no idea how much money we have. My wife is a banker and handles all our finances. Sometimes I ask her for a few dollars for this or that. If I fill out all the forms and convince her of the need for whatever I wish to purchase she will give me a couple of bucks. I admit that ninety percent of the time I can't afford a pack of gum. But I got to thinking about this yard sale. Why all of a sudden are we having a yard sale? I figured we were going broke!
I admit that in the last year some of my get rich quick schemes hadn't really made us a lot of money. In fact, after fines, bail and the such many of them had cost us money. But had I cost us so much that selling my rubber chicken for fifty cents was our only means of support?
My wife assures me that we're not going broke...YET... and that I can have a Whopper value meal this weekend. So, I guess all is okay in the Brown household.
No kidding folks, we're having a yard sale Saturday June 10th at the Paulette Community Building. My wife and four or five of her friends are having it. My wife told me not to but I made a bunch of signs that say First Annual Maynardville.Com yard sale! Stop by and meet me at the sale, I'll be there after 12 noon. I have to mow the yard first as this is my regular Saturday job.
Stop by and meet the moron who writes these articles, and buy some junk. Anyone who buys my junk can elect to have the junk autographed by me! Now what can be worth more than this goshawful green lamp? This goshawful green lamp with my name wrote on it!
Let's see what else my wife has here in the box. We have one of these things...I have no idea what it is, it has handles and plugs into an outlet with a thing that spins round and round on the top. My wife seems to think it's worth $5. Let's plug it in and see what it does...............EEEEEOOOOUCH!
Apparently this thing is made to smoke, spin crazily and fall into your lap causing painful burns! I'll just change the price on that to fifty cents. Here's some pants that I'm sure will fit me again one day. My wife isn't so sure because she intends to sell the for $2. Hey! Here's my copy of Mad Mad World! The world's greatest movie on VHS and my wife thinks it's only worth $1! I'll just hide that.
And don't set your sites on that rubber chicken either. I've already given a friend orders to get there early and buy all my stuff back before my wife finds out.
I have two or three old computers sitting around here also. My wife wanted to sell them at the yard sale, but I put a stop to that. I told her I can't remember what I may have written on them in the past. She's afraid of what I write here today and certainly doesn't want a hard drive full of my rejects falling into the wrong hands. She's ordered me to burn the old computers.
I went into the kitchen and started dragging out the stove. When my wife asked me what I was doing, I said getting ready for the yard sale. She asked me what the stove had to do with it, and I explained that she had told me that yard sales are for getting rid of things we don't use anymore. She didn't see the humor in that that I did.
I suggested that we sell my religious underwear (their holy) but she said things like that just aren't a big draw at yard sales. I'll just slip a few pair in this box for her to find that day. Won't she be surprised!
Stop by and see me at the yard sale and I'll sign you a pair of worn out socks. Then, when I go nuts and shoot up my neighborhood you can get on TV and say." These here are his socks! See he signed his name to em'!"
Husbands, be forewarned, when your wife says "honey, we're having a yard sale," what she's actually saying is...
"Let's box up all your stuff and see what we can get for it, so I can use the money to buy things you don't know what are and couldn't figure out how to use it if you did."
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