This page ©1999 Chip Brown.

This Ain't Polly's Pointers

Tip#1 Address Organizer Cheap
You never have to buy one of those expensive address organizers. Simply take a phonebook from the nearest phone booth and cross out everyone in it that you don't know.

Tip#2 How to Look Important On a Budget
If you want to look important and don't have the funds. Drive up and down the road holding the TV remote to your ear. Everyone will think you have a car phone. This works best when you remember to cross the centerline and run stop signs. For even better results, slam into someone at a redlight.

Tip#3 Weight Loss
Who need Jenny Craig. A good appetite suppressant can be made at home by leaving a can of tuna open for two days. On the third day eat the rancid tuna and your appetite will be gone for days. Plus, the food poisoning and it's vomiting and diarrhea will cause you to lose up to 12 pounds in two days.

Tip#4 Parking Tickets
Everyone hates to come back out and find a ticket stuck under their windshield wiper. This can be easily avoided, while allowing you to park wherever you want. Before you go in the store turn your wipers on fast wipe. This makes it impossible for the officer to ticket your car.

Tip#5 Quick Bath
Those roller things that use masking tape to remove lint from sweaters can do for a quick bath. Simply strip naked and run the roller all over your body.

Tip#6 Choking
If you see someone choking on an ice cube, quickly pour boiling water down their throats. Be ready to hold them down. Choking people can become irrational and not be aware it's for their own good. Don't make my mistake, always be sure they are choking before you do this. I tried to help a lady like this and later found she had asthma. The boiling water did nothing for her asthma.

Tip#7 Cheap Drunk
Ever want to get drunk but your wife won't give you any money? Simply drink cold tea and go to bed. In the morning drink a half glass of dishwashing liquid and bang your head against the wall. In a few moments you will be sure that you have a hangover.

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