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Start The Campaign

I tried to get a press conference on one of the local TV stations. Once again they refuse to hear my point of view and again told me to quit calling. Victor Ashe gets TV coverage, and I'm ten times better looking than he is, and besides that, some of my ideas actually make sense.

I wish to announce to you right now ladies, and gentlemen of Union County, I am running for office! That's right you heard it here first!

What office am I running for? I don't know, what's available? I'll take anything and no matter what office you the voters put me in I promise to not make things any worse than they already are.

Here is my platform for running for office:

If someone with tons of money and no brains to match, will get behind my campaign and get me elected...I will do nothing!

Now what could be better than that? The people with money get what they want, nothing rocks their boat. The regular voters will even benefit because I intend to do nothing. With that said you don't have to worry that I'll make things worse or that I'll do something wrong, because I intend to do nothing!

Vote Chip! The Do Nothing Candidate!

I would simply love to get some write in votes for some office. After all in the 70's there were actually votes cast for a seven year old named Sparky. Sparky at seven was probably more qualified to run the office than the person who ended up getting elected. I think Sparky would have won if we had gotten behind him and his platform. I guess we just felt Sparky's age was against him. That and the fact Sparky was a bulldog.

If I were to be elected I promise to steal your money, build a four lane road to my house, put all me neighbors in jail and make a general mess of things to where the state has to come in and straighten it out! Can't say I'm not honest can you?

Now what party do I want to get behind me? Democrat? Republican? The Democrats give a way cool hats, I like that. But those Republicans have fundraisers with music and hotdogs. Nothing says I'm qualified to run your county like some guy handing out hats and hotdogs.

Maybe I should tell everyone I'm independent! After all, the voters of Union County are way too stupid to know which party I really belong to. Yeah that's what I'll do I'll call myself independent! But then I can't give away fun stuff. The Democrats already have the hats, and the republicans have the hotdogs. What can I give away!

Jerky! I'll give away beef jerky to anyone who comes to my get togethers! I can see it now! Vote Chip get jerk from a jerk! That's not as catchy as The Do Nothing Candidate is it?

So I went out today and started some market research on my chances of getting elected. Things aren't looking too good in the early polls! I decided to take the normal route and buy votes. I started asking how much people would sell me their votes for. Let me tell you, the same people who last week said their vote wasn't worth going to the polls for, this week thinks their vote is worth $20!

I figure it's going to cost me $300,000 to get elected. And lets see, if I spend $300,000 to get elected for a four year job that pays $25,000 per year. Umm $25,000 times four is $100,000. Hey wait! I'm still $200,000 in the hole! Gee whiz all this trouble and four years from now I'll have less money than I do now!

No thank you I'll just stay at home. I'm going broke just fine without running for office! And the best part about going broke at home...I don't have to kiss babies, make people think I really like them, and act like I enjoy Country Music at an elementary school.

No, I can stay home, complain about how ugly my neighbor's kid is, tell people what I really think of them and make fun of Garth Brooks. It's much easier to go broke in the comfort of my home.

However, this experience has proven one thing to me. The reason our county is in the shape it's in is because we keep electing people to office that think it's alright to spend $300,000 to get a $100,000 job. When they exhibit math skills like that, what can we expect of their performance running our county?

So now I've decided my vote is for sale. For more information on buying my vote click here.

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