This Wasn't The Real Santa

All I ever needed to know in life I learned from Santa Claus. I know that seems far fetched but its true. One of the most important things I learned was that people could believe in me. If they believed Santa would bring them something after their behavior all year, certainly, they wouldn't think I was too weird. I have taken this philosophy with me to many job interviews. I am sure that one of these days I will be hired too!

Santa also taught me to remember who has been naughty or nice. While my wife tells me to not carry a grudge, I figure it's better to remember the people who anger me. After all Santa even writes them down on a list. He's widely accepted as a good guy, so what's the harm in me remembering that little Lonnie Lester flipped me with a rubber band in the third grade? One day I am sure I will see Lonnie at the Walmart. I will wait on him at the end of the isle, then at the last moment I will spring from the housewares section and attack Lonnie Lester with a rubber band. Then I'll just run off laughing! My wife says everyone will think I'm a freak. Maybe so, but Lonnie Lester will know what it's for. Now this plan hinges on my presumption that Little Lonnie Lester hasn't turned into Big Lonnie Lester. If he has then I may have to scratch him off my list. I'm sure Santa does this from time to time.

The jolly red suited guy also taught me not to pout. I point this out each time I scream at someone that pulls out in front of me on the road. My wife tells me to calm down, and quit yelling! But, she can't argue the fact that Santa says "I better not pout!" Not wanting to fall into bad terms with Santa I avoid keeping my mouth shut and scream at people who cut me off in traffic. This ploy is bound to keep me on the good list!

One thing I've never understood is the adage that it's better to give than to receive. I'm not sure what people are talking about here, but in all honesty I must disagree. It's always better to get than give. You get up on Christmas morning and give your spouse all their presents. Then after they're done let them tell you "well honey, I didn't get you anything." Now after this happens I will call you and ask "Was it better to give and not receive?" The only time I can think of when it was better to give than to receive was back in the fifth grade. Robert Simms picked a fight with me on the playground. I punched him in the nose! Yes, that day it was better to give a punch in the snoot than to receive one.

One thing I haven't figured out is what Ho Ho Ho means. I thought maybe Santa is at a loss for words and just says Ho Ho Ho to fill in. So I tried it out. I got pulled over one day and yes I was honestly speeding. Shoot, I was like a rocket traveling down Broadway that day. Anyway the officer approaches my window and I'm wondering what to say. In all honesty I was speeding, I couldn't dispute that. I couldn't say my wife was having a baby, because she wasn't. Even if I did say that he would most likely point out that I left my wife at home. I had no excuse to get me out of this one!

So when he asked me what the hurry was I replied "Ho Ho Ho!" He asked me what I said, obviously hard of hearing so I spoke louder and repeated Ho Ho Ho! The he said "do what?" Honestly I can't see how this guy got to be a policeman being this hard of hearing. So I yelled Ho Ho Ho at him!

Well, it did get me out of the ticket, but instead I got to ride to the hospital. Then this doctor kept asking me questions about my sanity. I tried Ho Ho Ho, I tried Merry Christmas, and even shook like a bowl full of jelly. Took my wife two weeks to get me out of that place!

This is when I realized I was getting bum advice from Santa Claus!

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