This page ©1999 Chip Brown.
Bumper Snickers
I am amazed at all the people in Union County who still adorn their cars with bumper stickers. You go out and pay twenty grand for a car and then start wallpapering it with bumper stickers. After all, nothing screams class like a good "If you can read this you're too close." Or maybe you prefer the Yosemite Sam that says "Back Off!" with his six guns extended. Yeah that'd be a hard choice for me too, standing there wherever you buy stuff like that.
I have made a hobby out of reading and logging bumper stickers around the county. A good many of them read Loy For Sheriff, but some are quite interesting. For example:
The other day right in front of Hensley's I saw a car that had a bumper sticker that read "Change is Inevitable". I guess they mean that there is always change in everything we do. Two things struck me about this one. First who cares? And second it's wrong. I'll tell you a place there is never any change. There is never any change at the Coke machine outside Walmart. That darn thing takes my money every time!
Then that same day in Hensley's parking lot was an Altima that had a sticker that read "I love cats". It didn't say love, it had a heart, how sweet. How sweet and stupid. I like cats too but not so much as to want to plaster it on the back of my car. Makes me wonder about their motives. Secretly I suspect part of the sticker is missing. I bet originally it said "I love cats, they taste like chicken."
The other day I almost plowed into the back of a car sitting in the street in front of Hammer's. As it held up traffic waiting to partake of the great towel sale, I noticed it too had a bumper sticker. It read, "Born Free...Taxed to Death." Yeah right I'll bet this guy's parents didn't think he was born so free after they paid the hospital bill.
Following a Jeep up the road the other day, I got within two feet of their bumper to read their sticker. I had to get that close because it was fine print. Now let me tell you, if you're going to get a sticker, get one with big print. Or else I'll run into you trying to read it. Anyway, it said, "Laugh Alone and the World Laughs With You." A great sentiment that I have heard for years. Most likely though, if I saw some guy driving up the road by himself, laughing away, I'd just think he was an idiot. It's kind of like the old quote he who laughs last laughs the longest. I always thought the guy that laughs last probably didn't get the joke.
I saw a great one on the back of a Probe the other day. It said "All Men are Idiots, I Married Their King." Hey wait that was my wife's car!
Then on a van I saw one that read "Save the Whales." Fine, let's save the whales, but have you seen the size of those things? Where are we going to keep them? I'll bet this tag was originally a McDonald's promotion. Probably it once read, "Save the Whales...Collect the Whole Set."
Then there's always the ones that say "My kid is an honor student at..." How superior minded can you get? I'd like to make some that say "My kid failed third grade." Or better yet, make one that simply says, "Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still a moron."
Ever seen the ones that say, "Friends don't let friends drive drunk?" A fine statement of the obvious. We all know if old Earl is liquored up we shouldn't let him drive. Problem is, when Earl gets drunk all his friends are drunk too. I think it would be better said to read, "Smart friends don't ride with Earl."
The other day, parked at the High School, I saw a white car with a sticker that said, "Where theres a will there's an A." Obviously a teachers car, promoting smart students. Well, smart students have cars with stickers that say, "Where theres a will I want to be in it."
I followed a red Ford Pickup up Maynardville Highway Thursday. It was a mid-seventies model and had a gun rack in the back window. In the half torn off bumper was a sticker that said, "Guns don't kill people...I do." I have no comment on this fine piece of automobile adornment.
Then there was the Escort in Knoxville right in front of Burger King that said "Real women don't tell their age." What's that supposed to mean? Once again I think part of the sticker was missing. Most likely it once read, "Real women don't tell their age...most men don't act it."
It wasn't really a bumper sticker, but on the sign for the Job Corps in Knoxville when I was a kid, was the slogan, "Hard work has a future payoff." As a kid I can remember saying to myself, "Yeah, but laziness pays off now."
One that confused me was on the back of a Ford Pinto. It simply said, "It's illegal to kill?" Well, of course it's illegal to kill. Otherwise there wouldn't be a Ford Pinto going 20mph, in my way on Maynardville Highway.
A special note to the Grand Am owner with the bumper sticker that says, "Visualize World Peace." The only peace you're going to get, is a piece of my Toyota's grill if you don't start using your turn signal!
I actually saw one that had the old historical quote, "Give me liberty or give me death! NRA." A great quote and a great statesman that originally said it. But in my opinion give me liberty or give me something else. I don't want death.
Then there was the Lexus in Halls that said, "Diplomacy, the Art of Life." What the dickens was that supposed to mean. If I'd had the time I'd have stopped this guy and gave him a sound thrashing just for the principle. The thrashing of course, is dependent on the guy being smaller than me. But honestly, what does this bumper sticker mean? Maybe I missed it. To me, diplomacy means saying "nice doggy, nice doggy," until I find a rock to hit it with.
Then there are the Bible quotes. Again this wasn't a bumper sticker but a sign at a church. All it said was, "Lead me Not Into Temptation..." For a solid week I passed this sign. I was so glad when they took it down. Everytime I passed it I would finish the sign with, "...I can find it myself." But the following week they put up a sign that read "Jesus is coming." Once again, everytime I read this sign I thought, "Jesus is coming...I better look busy."
The only bumper sticker I haven't seen, I'd like to make. I'd like to have a big red sticker that says, "Hang up and drive you moron!"
I drive my wife nuts reading people's bumper stickers and changing the wording around. She suggested one I should make for myself. She said it should read, " I took an IQ test and the results were negative." Wonder what she meant by that?
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