Those Birds Are Out To Get Me

My computer faces the window of my office. I thought looking out the window would inspire creativeness in my writing. But instead I see myself getting more and more like Jimmy Stewart in Rear Window, by Alfred Hitchcock.

I've already told you that I think my neighbors are plotting against me. I'm certain of that now. But has anyone besides me noticed anything strange about the birds in Union County?

These birds are becoming freeloaders! When I was a kid birds flew south for the winter. These days they come to my porch. My wife insists that I must feed the little flying poop factories! She even made me buy little feeders that match our house. These birds are living better than me!

Now I have nothing against animals. I have a cat who helps me write these articles. I feed the neighbor's dog when he stops by for a visit. But you see, I get to pet and play with these animals, so I get something in return.

Not with birds though. I feed them, I house them and give them a place to bathe. Are they happy? Most likely, because they get free stuff. But they are not one bit appreciative. I have tried on numerous occasions to pet them, but they fly off. Now they don't fly a long distance, just up to the powerline where I can't reach them.

There they sit and mock me. I am quite certain they are saying "Na na na we ate your overpriced wildbird feed and give you nothing in return." There they sit and grin at me until I go back inside, dejected. then it's back to the feeders.

As you've come to expect from me, I have a plan. When I was a kid, I flew model airplanes. Got pretty good at it too. My judgment wasn't very good though and I let a friend try. He dented dad's house and destroyed my plane.

But for years I saved the wreckage of my P-51 with the t-15 Cox engine. I saved all the controls and servos. In the privacy of my basement, long after my wife leaves for work, I lock myself in my little room. There, like a mad scientist I create a masterpiece of balsa wood, rubberbands and glue. I am building the secret weapon.

I am building an artificial bird!

I will teach these birds a lesson! When my bird is completed, I will again attempt to pet the birds my wife insists that we feed. And when they fly off to the powerlines to mock me I will unveil Eggbert (what I named my artificial bird).

Eggbert will take flight towards the powerlines! Now I am quite sure that these birds aren't half as smart as me. So they will sit there and think Eggbert is just a large noisy bird. A noisy bird with a spinning beak, but a bird nonetheless. By the time they realize that Eggbert is artificial it will be two late! Eggbert will knock each bird off that powerline like dominoes. My artificial bird will give these freeloading Union County birds a good thrashing.

A bet from that point on, these Union County birds will realize that I am at least twice as smart as they are, and fall into line.

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