Article rrr

Day O' Mine

I had good intentions, I really did. I wanted today to be different! I laid there on the bed while my wife got ready for work and thought about all the productive things I could do today. I said to myself, "Self, you're going to have a good day! Nothing is going to tick you off today." My wife came out of the bathroom and asked me who I was talking to. I told her I hadn't heard anything. After all, she told me if she caught me talking to myself again she was taking me back to the doctor for more pills.

It was about this time the cat came into the room. He's a gray short haired cat, who loves everybody. He jumped up in bed with me a sat down on my chest. He bent over to look right in my face. Looked right in my face and bit my nose! Bit me right in the nose! Of course, being bit in the nose by a cat will make you scream. Screaming of course makes the cat scared. Now I have a bloody nose and cat tread marks up my chest.

Today can get no worse, I am certain of this. Now, all of you who read my columns on a regular basis, know I'm an idiot. But more than that, I am an idiot that tempts fate by saying moronic things like today can get no worse.

After my wife went to work I set upon doing my chores. Today I was to sweep and mop the kitchen, mow the yard and go to the grocery store.

Sweeping the kitchen went pretty well, no big surprises there. What happened when I started mopping wasn't entirely my fault. Anybody besides me ever notice how much a can of Draino and a can of Pine-Sol look alike? Surely you can see how I could confuse the two. One thing I can say about Draino though, if your sink ever gets clogged with linoleum that stuff will clean it out. I learned today that Draino dissolves linoleum like cotton candy.

Mowing the yard went pretty well for the most part with a couple of exceptions. Somehow I have been getting big rocks in my yard. I think someone is throwing them out of passing cars. Fortunately, I saw the huge rock and cleverly missed it by running my lawnmower through the hedges and down into the ditch. Worry not, the only injury I received was a pine tree limb to my eye, and I have two of those. Yeah I saw the big rock, but the one I didn't see was almost as big. I heard the thud as my lawnmower passed over it. Shortly following the thud was the crash of my neighbor's window as the rock, hit like a Mark McGuire homerun, crashed into their kitchen.

Well what happened next, some of you may disagree with but you have to see my point. I am already in enough trouble with the linoleum, my wife will really kill me when she has to replace the neighbor's window. I panicked, I admit that, but faced with a good whack upside the head from my wife I did the only thing I could do. I retrieved the rock from my neighbor's kitchen, luckily they were both away from home. I cut out a window advertisement from the newspaper and tied it to the rock, which I placed back in their kitchen. Surely, they will think this rock is a clever advertising ploy by the window company and never suspect me! Sometimes I'm so smart I surprise even myself.

Well, this only left going to the grocery store. How in the world could I foul that up? She wrote me a list and gave me a check to pay for it with. I traveled through the grocery isles careful not to break anything. I had made my last selection and waited my turn at the checkout line. I went to Crystal's line, she's a blond girl about 16, who works part time at the store. What happened next was totally innocent. I wrote Crystal the check for the groceries and as I started to hand her the inkpen I had borrowed, my eye became irritated. Apparently, I had not removed all the pine needles from my lawnmower accident. My eye began twitching and Crystal got a ghastly look on her face. I realized right there that she thought I was winking at her! I couldn't stop, not even after she called me an awful name and the manager asked me to leave.

Dejected and hoping things get better I drove home. I stopped at Weigels for an Icee, because if I didn't deserve an Icee after my day, who does? I followed this motorcycle to the stop sign. My Icee sat between my legs in the seat of my car. I hadn't noticed the three yellowjackets I had picked up at the convenience store. The first stung me right on the middle finger, and the other stung me on my tongue. The third bee circled my head waiting for it's chance.

I waved my arms wildly trying to rid myself of the painful pests, to no avail. I spilled my $1.19 Icee all over my steering wheel, causing the horn to short and start blaring. Now I don't know if it was my horn, or the way I jumped from my car screaming obscenities, but something made the burly biker guy in front of me every bit as angry as the two bees.

He walked back to where I was screaming and flailing my arms and asked me what my problem was. Well, by this time my tongue was swollen three sizes too big to allow any sort of speech. I wanted to show the biker I had been stung so I protruded my tongue and extended my swelling middle finger.

Well, looking back on it right now I realize this wasn't my best move. There I stood in the middle of the street with my tongue sticking out and my middle finger up in the air. The crowd gathered just in time to see the burly biker guy punch me right in the snoot.

Fortunately for me, the biker guy was in a hurry, or he would have beaten me worse. Seems his daughter, Crystal works at a grocery store and some 34 year old pervert just made eyes at her. My biker friend was on his way to get the creaton's name and address off the check he had written Crystal.

So, "Is your day as bad as you think?"

Examples of people having a worse day than me:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and his wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle.

A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.

In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. By the time he had come down, eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking is arm in two places. A shame as he had merely been listening to his Walkman.

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You've guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.

The contents of this page does not necessarily represent the opinions of Maynardville.Com, it's owners or the staff.