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Our Life Of Crime

Chip's Note: I originally posted this article at about 10am Friday morning. By 10:30am I had already received one e-mail asking me if I had really robbed a convenience store. Let me assure all of you, that I haven't robbed anything other than you people. I realize that every week I rob you of a few moments to read my nonsense. I have no intentions of turning to a life of crime, unless you count running for public office. This I intend to do one day, and when I do I'll make Jessee James look like the Pope. But for the time being the crimes I commit are limited to running redlights and speeding. Sorry to disappoint you.

Begin article:

Recently we heard that a local politician was hiring yes men. We overheard a guy say "all he's going to do is hire a bunch of yes men."

So we followed this politician around for a week yelling yes, everywhere he went. We figured, surely he'll hire us if we yell it louder than everyone else. We followed him to civic functions where he gave speeches. Everytime he'd take a breath we'd yell yes!

Well, again we didn't get the job, but while in jail for stalking we came up with a better plan. One so foolproof even we can't screw it up. It's tried and true and nothing can go wrong. Politicians have done this for years as well as church leaders nationally.

We've decided to devote our resources to a life of crime. Certainly websites weren't making us rich and neither have any of our other schemes. Certainly embezzlement and stealing should be easier. Once we become proficient at it we'll run for office and do it legally!

First we decided possibly robbery would be our bag. According to the FBI, most modern-day robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young males who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This certainly fits our resumes!

We decided we'd need to rob a store that we know well. After all, with all the stores closing these days we don't want to run into one that's out of business. However we would have to be careful not to know the store too well. We don't want to run into our mothers at the checkout lines.

After choosing our store we decided to give it a try. Earl filled out our demands on the back of a piece of paper he found in our car. We marched into the local quicky mart and handed over the note. The woman took the note and walked off. We stood there kind of wondering what had happened when the woman returned with a bag of goods. She told us that we owed he $19.37. Apparently Earl had written our demand for all the cash on the back of my wife's grocery list. Earl wrote the young lady a check and we left.

Well, this was our first attempt and I wasn't going to start off $19.37 in the hole! I told Earl to march himself back in there and rob them like a man. In a few minutes Earl came running back out with a bag of money. We fled the scene!

Now Earl, reckoned that the store would probably have called the police by now. Driving out of town we decided we needed a diversion. What could be better than a bunch of yokels running around in the streets? Earl started tossing twenties out the window of the car. After all, we had plenty, and all the people running around in the street would slow the cops down.

All Earl succeeded in doing was to get a bunch of yokels following us. Up one road and down another they followed us as Earl continued to toss out cash trying to get them to stop. Finally we ran out of cash and while we were sure they'd quit following us now, we hadn't counted on them blocking the road.

We tried to explain that we had already tossed out all the cash, but these yokels decided to have a look for themselves. Finding no cash they decided to avail themselves of our watches, pocket change, credit cards, etc. As they got in their cars to leave, Earl commented that luckily they hadn't taken our car. I think it was about this time, I heard our motor fire up and a 10 year old kid drive past in our Buick.

We walked all the way back home after that. Unfortunately, the police were there waiting on us. Apparently we forgot about the check Earl wrote the lady for the $19.37, it had our address and names on it. These police are tricky like that, make one mistake... Oh well, I guess we get the last laugh, that check was bad.

Robbery is too complicated, maybe we'll try to run for office. A guess since the lottery is out in Tennessee, the only way to get rich and not work for it, is to be elected.

Here are some real life idiotic criminals:

A husband and wife decided to rob a service station. The wife held the gun on the assistant manager in the office while the husband forced the manager at gunpoint to the room where the safe was. While alone with the wife, the assistant manager told her about the wonderful contest they were having and suggested that she enter it. She eagerly filled out an entry blank with her name, address, and phone number. As soon as the couple left with the loot, the assistant manager retrieved her entry blank and notified the police.
Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.
A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.
A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where else can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto."
A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a one year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a forged check. He got 10 years.
A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.
A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...
Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.
A man walked into a convenience store, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. Generally they spent five dollars to rob the place.
Several weeks ago a man from Grand Forks North Dakota traveled to Fargo North Dakota to rob Community First Bank. He scribbled his ransom note and gave it to the teller. The quickly gave him the money and watched him run out the door. Attempts to search the surrounding area were unsuccessful. Upon review of the ransom note it was revealed that the man wrote the ransom note on his personal bank deposit note. Police traveled to the man's home to arrest him.

Sad but true.

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