This page ©1999 Chip Brown.
Greatest Inventions
Sometimes, some of the greatest minds of the world are overlooked. We give awards to actors and politicians, and even business people. Man and woman of the year goes to... What'd they ever do for society? So when are we going to honor the little people? How about the poor guy that toils hours at a keyboard to write stupid stories each week? So in honor of some of the world's greatest inventions Maynardville.Com would like to mention the following award winners in the first annual Maynardville.Com Great Invention Award Competition:
First Prize
Whacking Stick
Every man has one in his toolbox. It's that long heavy silver tool with a crook on one end and a fork on the other. No man has any idea what the real purpose of this tool may have been, but it is adept at whacking bolts through holes, bolts out of holes, knocking rusty things loose etc. It may actually prevent heart attacks, in that it allows men to blow off steam. What man hasn't taught the fender of his car a good lesson at the end of a whacking stick. It can even be used as a pest repellent. The other day my neighbors dog came over to poop in my yard. One look at me running down the driveway with my whacking stick and that dog had business pooping elsewhere.
Second Prize
Duct Tape
Although mispronounced as Duck Tape, it has nothing to do with aquatic foul. Hundreds of Union County cars are held together with this sticky wonder. Everything from seat cushions to radiators can be repaired with the stuff. It makes a great babysitter while the wife's away. Hand the kid a roll of duct tape and in a small amount of time he will have taped himself securely to the ground. Thereby being incapacitated, you are now free to watch the ballgame.
Third Prize
Big Rock In Driveway
Not really an invention, but several uses are invented ever day. Mostly it's used as a hammer but other utilitarian effects are possible. Such as, stopping the neighbors pooping dog when you don't have your whacking stick handy. The big rock may even be used to quieten your neighbor after you take the whacking stick to his dog. It's great as a spare emergency break for the car. Placed under a rear tire, the big rock keeps many Union County cars from rolling away. And the greatest thing about the big rock in the driveway...It's the only tool that doesn't say Made in China on the side of it.
Honorable Mention
Electric Fence Wire
Electric fence wire is sort of like metallic duct tape. Generally it's used to hold anything too hot for duct tape, such as mufflers.
Special Honorable Mention
Obscenely Long Flat Screwdriver
There is nothing more useful than the super long screwdriver. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting or mutilating. The screwdriver becomes hundreds of times more useful when stuck by a hammer. It's a hundred times more humorous when struck by a hammer wielded by a half lit Union Countian named Bubba.
How Come No WD 40?
Along the way to discovering these most useful things we also found the most over marketed useless thing in a home. It's called WD 40 and it's sold by the tons at all fine auto parts stores. Why is it useless? All we could get it to do was grease up all our tools so we couldn't hold them. Being unable to hold a crescent wrench lends it'self to busted knuckles. Once the knuckles were busted we tried to tape them up with our duct tape. Unfortunately, our hands are so greasy with the WD 40 the duct tape won't stick.
After trying to use the WD 40, the can seemed to stick. Now how does something that's supposed to loosen something stick? It appeared to have something to do with the little red tube stuck in the nozzle. It sprayed and sprayed all over my basement, coating everything including the cat in a fine glaze of oil. Fortunately I had our grand prize winner handy (whacking stick). After carefully applying several repetitions of the whacking stick to the WD 40 can, the spray ceased.
Maynardville.Com would like to thank everyone who voted this year, namely me. And remind everyone, that unless we forget we'll have another competition next year.
The contents of this page does not necessarily represent the opinions
of Maynardville.Com, it's owners or the staff.
