This page ©1999 Chip Brown.

Holy Moly!

I know I need to go to church more, and I don't want to make excuses here. But I've had some bad experiences in this area. When I was 16, about a week after I got my driver's license, this girl asked me to go to church with her.

So, okay I went. I met her at this little country church and it seemed kind of nice with only about twenty members. We went in and they called church to order. They discussed business and took up an offering (Baptist). Then the preacher asked the choir to come up and take their places. Well, everyone got up and went to sit in the choir area behind the preacher. Everyone but me.

Then they called the hymn that they would sing. As it began, I realized they were singing to me, the only person in the pews. I was totally embarrassed and sure that my life couldn't get any worse. Then there was invoked Chip's Law #21 "When you think things can only get better, they suddenly get worse."

The singing was over and the preacher thanked them for that wonderful song. Then he opened his Bible. Hey wait! It was then I realized that the choir wasn't going to return to the pews.

For an hour and a half I sat there watching this guy turn red, jump around scream and holler, not understanding a word he said. I am sure he was talking to me because, I was the only person there, and he kept pointing at me. Everytime he pointed I would nod my head. I realized this was dangerous, as I had no idea what he was accusing me of. I just felt if I didn't nod my head, he might take drastic measures to extract a confession from me. I can't imagine the Spanish Inquisition being any worse than this.

After an hour and a half, I made up my mind. I calmly stood up, closed my Bible and walked out the front door. I have no idea how this girl got home that day, because I never saw her again. Although her dad told my parents I had a problem and I needed praying for. A week later I realized that wasn't my Bible I took from the church. God will get me for stealing a Bible I'm sure. I'll just take my chances because I'm not going back there again.

Now I know you all think I exaggerate things. But this was a true story! I think this is why I find so much humor in church.

With that in mind, I offer you the following Church Bulletin misprints I have collected from the Internet and other places. I am told these were all really printed in church publications. I have deleted all the church names. I figured God would curse me enough just for making fun of churches in general. It could only be worse if I named names.

1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help. (My mom always said that church wouldn't kill me, I would have loved to show her this bulletin -Chip)

2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.  (My church must have used medication, the longer it went the more sleepy I got -Chip)

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. (I always knew someone was praying for me -Chip)

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. (I slipped and fell during baptism. I may have been baptized, but I took three people with me -Chip)

7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

9. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg on the alter. (There was a lady at my church that looked like a chicken...My wife just told me not to put that. So I hit the shift key repeatedly so she would think I erased it. I mean really, if she wants to monitor what I write, she should really stay in the same room. -Chip)

11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so. (I told mom I had to go to the bathroom once when I was five. She told me I could hold it, but she was wrong. -Chip)

13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

16. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. (This one sadly is my favorite! -Chip)

17. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. (It's like the plague, I always knew it. -Chip)

18. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

19. Evening massage - 6 p.m.

20. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. (My wife once told me that a lady at her church, during a hymn, screamed, hiked up her dress and started jumping across pews. She said the lady "Got the spirit" most likely she had one of these electric girdles. -Chip)

21. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

22. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

23. Ushers will eat latecomers.

24. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

25. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

26. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

27. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. (I once offered to fill in for our preacher. They told me I had to be called, so I sat by the phone all week...nothing. -Chip)

28. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

29. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

30. Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

31. The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

32. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

33. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

34. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

35. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

36. Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

37. Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: "The Rev. Horace Blodgett" Hymn 47: "Hark! An awful voice is sounding"

38. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.

39. The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

40. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

41. 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

42. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. (So that's why they wear robes. -Chip)

43. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

44. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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